Acts of Digression

Just Another Player In Your Game

2011-12-14T16:18:00.003Z

I used to think I was about as left-wing as you could get - to the extent that you could have called me a pretentious filthy pinko and I would have probably took it as a compliment. Christ, I once voluntarily became personae non gratae at a Globalisation lecture when I called out somebody for essentially saying that her right to go on holiday to Ibiza and get pissed was more important than the right for sweatshop workers to earn more than a pittance. I even used the term personae non gratae (in italics) - and attended Globalisation lectures.

But something must have changed - because the other night I saw Andrew Niccol's OWS parable 'In Time' and it repulsed me to the very core; not just on a technical/narrative level but on a moral one. I would put a spoiler warning here - but that would imply there's something to spoil.

'In Time' is primarily a science-fiction thriller set in a world where time is the only currency; on your 25th birthday you stop aging, which is a pretty neat birthday present. But then a little LCD clock in your arm politely tells you that you have one year left to live, so swings and roundabouts I guess. After that, you're on your own to keep that little clock from hitting all naughts by any means necessary whether it be through employment, theft or being fortunate enough to have a rich relative. Everything is pretty much exactly as it is now, with the sometimes abstract concept of money replaced by the horrifying fact of mortality. Wealth is now even more directly related to your life expectancy and well-being. There is no limit to the wealth one can acquire - making each and every human being effectively immortal. There is certainly no denying that such a concept could make one hell of a movie. It doesn't here.

Enter JT - who is pretty much established as being a good actor by now so I can't really say anything bad about him. Which is a shame, because I can imagine there could be some good jokes in there. Moving on.

Stop being so likable and talented... you prick!

JT plays a bald man in a dystopian future who finds out his dystopian future is a bit shit when a suicidal rich guy gives him a full century on the house before dropping dead and falling off a bridge. Before doing so, Mr. Richguy points out that - brace yourself - time is in fact an abstract concept which is not actually a limited commodity and the richest 1% ensure that as little time as possible trickles down to the lower classes so that they can reap the benefits of being pretty much immortal and having lots of sports cars and caviar. A dictatorship of the bourgeoisie you could say. This stunning revelation blows JT's mind more than a ten year old being told why 'we don't just print more money'. I'm guessing Karl Marx never existed in this universe. Or maybe JT's character is just an incredibly stupid pillock.

Things get even slightly more irritating for JT when his mother - played by Olivia Wilde (which means I would happily be Timberlake's Motherlover) - runs out of time and drops dead when her regular bus fare goes up an hour. To be honest, she kind of had it coming - if you're in a position where what equates to a one dollar bus fare increase can kill you, well - maybe you shouldn't be spending so much time/money on the kind of face-goop Hollywood make-up artists use. Things be tough in the ghetto yo; but apparently people can still afford to have their eyebrows plucked by cherubs.

A woman with her priorities seriously out of whack

Armed with a dead mother, a century on his clock and about three minutes of exposition from a guy he just met - JT moves up a couple of financial zones with the intention of "making them pay" or some shit. At this point, I have literally no idea who the hell "they" could be - he can't just be making a blanket statement about rich people, because that would be fucking stupid. Oh wait, I forgot - THIS FILM IS FUCKING STUPID.

Enter Cillian Murphy (which I would happily do, I mean what?) - a Timekeeper. Or a "detective" if you will. Sworn to ensure that the flow of time in the various time zones is all running as it should be (a.k.a. as the rich think it should), Agent Murphy is quick to start hunting down JT. Other than providing some form of antagonist in a film which desperately needs one, he doesn't really do much. Sometimes I think he's there just so we can see Cillian Murphy running around in a bitching leather trench-coat.

A noble goal if ever there was one

Once arriving in the super-rich borough of New Greenwich (oh ha ha how clever), JT hits up the casino in order to win some time off the evil, evil rich people. It's here we meet the films massive evil CEO - who is played by Vincent Kartheiser. Which is cheating frankly - casting Kartheiser as an asshole is like casting Steven Seagal as a man who punches people in the face.

A Legacy of Assholes

There's a tense poker confrontation between JT and Pete Campbell, which is when I realise how many tense poker confrontations in movies I've missed out on by not even slightly understanding the rules of poker. To me, the bulk of Casino Royal may as well have consisted of people discussing quantum mechanics in Pig Latin.

Ah yes, I see Bond has made the clever move of placing
a number of cards of various suits and values on a table.

JT gets himself a love interest (Pete Campbell's daughter) who - through sheer animal magnetism and the fact that it only takes about five minutes of skinny-dipping to coerce her to any way of thinking - JT manages to recruit as a Bonnie to his Clyde. The two set off on a life of crime which pretty much involves taking time from the rich and giving it to the poor. There's a couple of stunningly boring action beats involving Agent Murphy chasing after JT; a hastily brought up and just as hastily forgotten about sub-plot involving Timberlake's father which has no pay-off at all and an out-of-its-arse conclusion that has to be seen to be believed.

After a couple of bank heists, Bonnie & Robin Hood realise they've been wasting their time when tax increases to a point that counteracts fluctuations caused by their actions. After ninety minutes of nothing - in the final 15 minutes - Love Interest mentions that her father happens to have a Million Years locked up in his private fault. They show up, nick the time and give it all to the poor people - which will apparently lead to the complete and total collapse of the global economy. Agent Murphy gives chase but is so focused on hunting JT that he doesn't realise that he's neglected to top his clock up. Cillian Murphy dies. Timberlake and Love Interest rob some more banks. End.

Throughout this recounting - you might be curious just what exactly irritated me. Christ - where to start? I like to think I'm good at the whole "willing suspension of disbelief" thing - I usually bitch at people if they start pointing out little illogical niggles in sci-fi movies, especially is it's a mainly allegorical sci-fi movie ie. logic takes a back seat to making a statement. But there was something about 'In Time' that really made me blow my gasket AT EVERY LITTLE FUCKING THING. They are so numerous that I can not realistically imagine forming them into a cohesive, flowing series of paragraphs - so here's a bunch of shit in a list.

1. The Timekeepers can track the exact number of years present in the populace of any given zone on the Earth, but apparently there isn't a system that logs time transfers. When a suicidal rich guy gives the Peasant Timberlake his century of time, even though they see it on CCTV they apparently can't just check to see who received the time. This would be fine if there was going to be an "Agent Cillian Murphy being all detective to find out who Timberlake is" subplot - but there isn't. There's five minutes of Murphy looking at CCTV stuff, logging traffic, working out where Timberlake is etc then they know who it is. They could have easily just had Murphy go "Oh check his logs. The time went to Timberlake". Boom - your film is now better paced, blessedly shorter and contains one less illogical fart that could irritate people.

2. People can steal your time (to the extent that they can effectively kill you) by simply grabbing your hand and taking it. There are apparently no safe-guards to prevent this from happening. Something so catastrophically retarded I CAN'T EVEN WHY THE FUCK. Seriously, I could just grab your hand and steal your life. I know it's only so mugging can still exist in their OWS allegory - but it's still fucking stupid.

3. Banks have Bank Vaults. Filled with time. Bank vaults. Physical bank vaults filled with little computer pads containing time. I know it's just so Timberlake can steal it - but come the fuck on.

4. Cillian Murphy dies because he's so focused on catching Timberlake that he doesn't realise he's running out of time. Apparently, there's no alarm or anything. He checks his arm - it tells him he only has 12 seconds to live and he dies.

5. Agent Murphy was about to ask his work to transfer his wages (time) to his car when he saw Timberlake and chased after him. Timberlake almost dies too - but he goes to Murphy's car and asks for the time. Which the thingy in the car gives him. Because in the future when everybody is effectively immortal, they can't check to see who they're giving the time to.

6. Both JT and Love Interest only have a minute left and they're half-a-mile from Murphy's car. They proceed to spend twelve seconds arguing whether one person should transfer their last minute to the other so they can make it - then about seven seconds making out. Time and a place.

7. A gangster challenges JT to an arm wrestle. They wrestle until the gangster dies because JT stole all his time through the wrestle. A time-stealing arm wrestle. Fuck you movie.

8. I know we've been over this but - seriously - if you just shake somebodies hand will you just inadvertently give them a couple of your minutes?

9. JT almost collapses the global economy because he gives a CEO's saved up Million years to a million people. Which is like saying the economy would collapse overnight because a million poor people each received a thousand pounds.

10. Somewhere at the beginning - somebody mentioned something about how the system ensures that people still die in a world full of immortals, to prevent the slight problems of everything being completely fucked in the event of the human race having an incredible birth rate with absolutely no death rate whatsoever. This is never mentioned again - which seems stupid considering what JT's actions could lead to.

Justin Timberlake wishes the world was filled with immortal child molesters - FACT.

11. The film takes the stance the each and every person with lots of money is useless, evil scum that deserves no pity. You never learn what any of these rich people actually do - they just eat caviar and play poker. The idea that any of these people could have not only legitimately earned this money but even deserve it isn't even considered.

12. Love Interest shows absolutely no qualms about pointing guns at civilians, law enforcement and even her own father. I am not on her side.

13. There's a scene where JT carjacks a rich couple. This is not me seeing a plucky hero standing up for the downtrodden - this is me seeing a violent, bald prick steal somebodies nice car because they had committed the crime of having enough money to buy one. Seriously - fuck this film and its utter contempt for people who have had the audacity of having any money whatsoever. Maybe I'm just so enamoured by the pacifist heroics of The Doctor at this point that any film where the "heroes" do nothing but rob banks and shoot people disgusts me - but there's something about the sneering, exaggerated brush used to paint the "antagonists" that I have a real big problem with.

14. I'm supposed to belief that the aforementioned violent, bald prick is the salvation of mankind - that this bank robber possesses an intellect that can change the world for the better. I don't - his beliefs are stolen from the suicidal rich guy who told him the score and he's too fucking stupid to have any real plan beyond "Buh - let's take all the money and give it to the poor people". It's the kind of idealistic bullshit you'd like to believe could lead to world peace when you're seven - but when you grow up you realise it's all probably a bit trickier than that. He is a stupid cunt and I was on Agent Murphy's side the entire god-damned time.

15. Maybe that's the point - maybe the film is just reflecting the feelings of the kind of people who know the world is fucked up but have have no real idea why or how to fix it beyond just blindly hating all politicians and rich people. But I doubt it.

You know the main message of 'In Time'? Capitalism is a bit shit. Incredibly mind-blowing and view-altering I know - and certainly a message which needed $40,000,000 (a figure which I can imagine could do quite a bit of good in the less fortunate areas of the world, yeah brah?) spent on it to incorporate it into a Timberlake vehicle. I could make a joke about the film essentially exploiting the current "We are the 99%" climate to the extent that it's capitalising on Occupy Wall Street, but I won't. Except I kind of just did. SO I WILL.

Look - everybody knows Capitalism fundamentally requires that there's always an underclass. Yes, there's better ways a world could operate. I'd love to see everything change. But making a film that just points out how flawed the system is without actually offering an alternative, other than "hey, wouldn't everything be better if we took some money from the rich people and gave it to the poor"? Sound and fury, signifying nothing. Or as I like to call it - taking a shitty action movie and presenting it as a high-concept intellectual thriller which - under a veneer of thoughtfulness and Hollywood gloss - is fundamentally void of anything approaching meaning.

Insert Fight Club Reference

2011-12-13T15:33:00.004Z

In case you've been wondering where we've been all year (you haven't - because you're not even there), we've been extraordinarily busy. We were kind of integral to that whole Libya thing - and we've been spending the rest of it mostly camped outside of St Paul's.

I'm the one with the breasts

We thought this great campaign for great justice was slightly more important that contributing to the praise for the various good video games that came out this year. Which were quite numerous. There were even a couple of great video games. Probably a few more than usual. We would have written something about them, but you know - Capitalism sucks balls.

So that's what's been happening; I've become the Champion of the 99 Percent. Jamie gave up all pretense of writing for this blog aeons ago and Cory has actually been doing something useful at University (breeding hyper-intelligent fungi as slaves) rather than making up stories about becoming the Champion of the 99 Percent or whatever.

Anyway - I'll be back tomorrow with a scathing essay about a movie I didn't enjoy; which I honestly hate doing. I genuinely don't like splooging hate all over something hundreds of people spent hundreds of hours making, but occasionally something comes along that rubs me the wrong way and I just splooge all over it. Just ask my wife*, heyoo.

So tune in tomorrow for that, or I'll kill Cory's experimental hyper-intelligent candida albicans and you shall never have your very own fungal butler.

Look this adorable, defenseless fungal butler
in the eye and tell it you don't care.

*Disclaimer: The idea that Séan could ever have a wife is of course ridiculous considering he ends dirty jokes with 'heyoo'.

Fans Will Cry

2011-06-16T23:43:00.003+01:00

Okay people, this is really getting beyond a joke. I've been a geek just as long as I've been a rabid fan of certain franchises. There was a time when I could quite happily argue for hours on end why The Arbiter should have had a bigger role in Halo 3; when I could spend eons righteously defending Titan A.E. and Sunshine from their many detractors. What? You didn't like Torchwood: Children of Earth - get over here and let me set you straight, motherfucker.

Recently though, eh. I guess I've lightened up. It was mainly because of Star Trek XI - I went in that theater in full Trekkie mode, all ready to tear that silly action movie a new arsehole. Problem is, fifteen minutes in I realised that I was having far too much fun to really give a shit and burned my DS9 Technical Manual. So, I'm not really a ravenous, insatiable fanboy anymore. Maybe that's doesn't put me in the right position to say what I'm about to say.

PLEASE - SHUT THE FUCK ABOUT DANTE'S HAIR

Really. I'm not kidding. Just shut up. When we reach the point where every single YouTube video associated with the new Devil May Cry is getting mindlessly, obsessively spammed with negative votes it's time to shut up.

Do you remember how this all started? It started with a two minutes and one second long CGI game trailer.

I don't think I've seen such a response with quite the same vitriolic content delivered in so short a time; I'm not kidding. It only took a few hours for an overwhelming general consensus to form - Ninja Theory has turned Dante into a Faggy-Hipster-Lanky-Twilight-Emo-Smoking-Drug-Addict. If you'll allow me to paraphrase - I can illustrate what the majority of negative YouTube comments consist of.

"OMFFG - WOT IS THIS SHIT?!? EMO MAY CRY LOL.

LOOKS LIKE FUKKING FAGGY TWILIGHT FOR HIPSTERS.

NINJA THEORY UR SO GAY YOU RAPE CLASSIC CHARACTER

FRANCHISE IS RUINED 4EVER LETS BOYCOTT THIS GAYNESS!"

- Actual Fictional Quote

Essentially, these various terms have been applied not because they even slightly relate to the new design of Dante - but because they're catch all terms for things people don't like. Nobody likes Hipster's. Not many folk like Emo's; and we all know that, irregardless of whether we have read or seen anything of the franchise, Twilight is the actual Devil.

Now - I don't mean to get all high and mighty (and I know you're only calling new Dante emo just because you're an idiot manchild with a very limited vocabulary of insults) but really - this may just be a formality but I would like to make this perfectly clear. I don't want to get hung up on character design, but that's what most of the bleating is aimed at. So I'll say it - the new Dante is anything but Emo and you sound like a warbling fuckwit whenever you call him so.

Ninja Theory is a British developer, as such it's inevitable that a lovely little bit of our culture is going to worm it's way in. I'd like to introduce you to the Mod - they look like this.

I miss when smoking was cool...

Dante knows it'll always be cool...

I can assure you that this was intentional - NT has pretty much stated that it's aiming for a 70's/Mod/Punk aesthetic (one I happen to like). Calling him Emo just reveals the following things about you -

1. You're probably American.

2. You don't know anything about any culture that isn't your own.

3. With the exception of Japan.

Christ, as a matter of fact - are you honestly trying to tell me the original Dante didn't have a bit of an Emo streak.

Because nipple belts, eye blocking fringes, metal studs and
leather fingerless gloves are in no way Emo or Hipster.

Also, for posterity, here's a wonderfully macho quote from DMC3 -

Lady: Are you crying?

Dante: It's only the rain.

I apologise if I'm being slightly more acerbic than my usual chirpy self. Maybe I should explain my own experiences with the Devil May Cry franchise before you assume I'm just taking the piss out of some butthurt fans; I've been in their situation myself but now, being outside of it looking in, I see just how fucking stupid it all is. So - let's take a look.

DMC: Loved every second of it. Finished seven times.

DMC2: Played it for two hours. Hated every second of it.

DMC3: Liked it. Squirmed at it's plot, dialogue and action.

DMC Anime: Watched first episode. Vomited my lungs out through my ass.

DMC 5: Never touched it - because I had played enough Devil May Cry.

Essentially - the only one I've really, actually loved was the first one. After that, eh. I guess I didn't like the direction the series started taking with the third entry; I got the impression that 1 had it's tongue planted firmly it its cheek - the third one didn't have a tongue. Which is all well and good, but it's certainly what I would describe as a tasteless, cheesy guilty pleasure.

Take that Roger Ebert!

I suppose the reason I'm totally fine with the new Dante is all thanks to the only true British institution - Doctor Who. The idea of the main character of a series (and the fundamentals of the series itself) dramatically changing every few years is one we're totally cool with; mainly because it encourages rejuvenation and original thinking. People don't flip the fuck out when Link changes with each new iteration and Link is a truly iconic design.

If I was being brutally honest, I would never describe the original design of Dante as iconic. He is, essentially, a giant sword equipped; wise-cracking, dual-wielding, white haired, goofy dude. Anybody worried that the new Dante has lost his sadistic sense of joy in the art of battle weren't paying much attention when he put out his cigarette in the face of a S&M puppet-nurse thing.

Keep in my mind that until this point I have been talking about aesthetics; that's because there's very little in the way of gameplay, plus the character deign is clearly the fan's main concern. When they finally showed us a glimpse of what the actual game would play like, people were STILL FUCKING BICKERING ABOUT HIS FUCKING HAIR.

I'll be fair, there are a number of the more legible complaints that have reservations about the gameplay; they'd rather have it developed by Platinum Games. Essentially, they want the game to be Bayonetta. Let me explain this. They want Devil May Cry to be like Bayonetta; Bayonetta is the spiritual successor to the original Devil May Cry - they want the game to not change in any single way.

I can understand people's concern regarding change for change's sake, but I honestly think Ninja Theory's game is not an example of this. Capcom could have very easily released another game just like DMC4 and made what analysts call "a capacious suitcase of dosh". They didn't. They knew there would be complaints but that didn't stop them, in the name of (hopefully) making a game we haven't already played they carried on regardless.

I understand, but I implore you. A new entry of a series can never ruin how much you enjoyed the ones preceding it. You cannot get a feel for a game's approach to combat without playing it. Stop calling yourselves the "real", "true" or "good" fans. Do not bitch about the new thing not being exactly the same as the old thing. If you don't like it don't buy it - but don't launch a fucking protest. The new Dante is NOT a fucking Emo.

I'm not saying it'll be perfect - it could be fucking awful. If that happens I'll be as pissed with Ninja Theory as you are. But for the love of Christ -

JUST SHUT UP.

Harsh Language

2011-01-29T16:41:00.002Z

There's something of a tradition regarding the kinds of games people give me as Birthday gifts. They're usually the kind of games I may have shown some inkling of interest towards, but put off buying because I've heard some terrible, terrible things about them. This system has so far yielded a couple of gems in the form of the tecnhicolour, neon-strobing hallucination of Project Sylpheed and the angst-ridden, cash-milking Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days. This year saw me receive a copy of Nier which is certainly... interesting.

As first impressions go, what happens when you first put the disc in is a little surprising. The usual SquareEnix logo pops up after which a very angry woman starts shouting at somebody. I hope she's not talking to me because she sounds thoroughly insane - ultimately ordering somebody to pull their head out of their goddamn ass and start fucking helping. Okay, so much for a little relaxing orchestral music. Weird. Although I probably should have expected something like this from the developer who gave us this cheery and not at all harrowing or nightmarish videogame ending.

The weirdness of Nier doesn't stop there as the game spends the next few hours working through your list of SquareEnix published JRPG expectations and pissing all over each one; one the first things you see being an apocalyptic, modern day Earth city. You play as someone who has actually passed through puberty. The adolescent girl with you is your sick daughter rather than a participant in a love triangle. The idyllic village you live in is not instantly pillaged by orcs or burned down by an evil empire. There is blood everywhere. Usually not where it belongs.

What ensues includes mystical plagues, sentient magic books, sheep murder, horrifying enemy design and apocalyptic plot twists - all worked into the tried-and-tested framework of a Zeldaesque adventure game, meaning lots of running around an overworld and paying frequent visits to boss-bookended dungeons. The combat plays out in real time with the usual combination of heavy and light attacks interspersed with bullshttingly powerful magic attack. A heavy emphasis is placed on avoiding attacks by either dodging or blocking as enemies can fill the screen with a volume of deadly, colourful missiles that makes Ikaruga look like a stroll along a beach.

Aside from some hauntingly beautiful scenery; a curiously high level of swearing for a JRPG and a surprisingly solid story featuring more than a few genuinely touching moments Nier doesn't do anything particularly spectacular. The game featuring too many uninspired side-quests and too shallow a combat system to be truly memorable. Although it's unusual atmosphere and tone does lend it a certain charm, the problem with any forgettable JRPG is that there's always another one more worthy of your time. Such as Resonance of Fate - the other overlooked JRPG of 2010 I picked up recently.

The Random Bit at the End!

I would feel bad if I didn't mention that Nier contains one of my favourite songs featured in a JRPG since Crystal Chronicles. For the love of God, listen.

Putting 2010 To Bed

2011-01-29T15:22:00.000Z

Having realised that the first couple of the huge volume of games I'm incredibly excited about this year start attacking at the beginning of March (Human Revolution and Dragon Age 2 in the same week - a deadly combination), I have spent the last few weeks rattling through the games I missed last year. This is usually how I spend the start of any year and I take a great deal of twisted pleasure from boring people by talking about games they played months ago. What can I say, I'm a terrible person.

So - this weekend will see a veritable, infinite spew of little posts in order to cover everything we missed while the blog was in a coma. I can only (once again) give you my solemn promise that we will update as regularly as we used to back in 2009.

That's a kind of promise.

Obligatoration!

2010-12-29T16:47:00.004Z

After the unprecedented success that was last years 'Acts of Digression' awards ceremony (now highly coveted in the industry ®) we have decided the most profitable move would be to do the exact same thing again. We are pioneers.

You may have noticed we weren't as vocal this year compared to last; rest assured that this is only because we were in occupation of a temple hidden deep in some floating mountains where we could experience and reflect on the releases of the year in peace. Or something. Anyway - awards.

GAME MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

FINAL FANTASY XIII

She punches people and shouts. That's all I can tell you.

The multifaceted, labyrinthine, nightmarish clusterfuck that was Final Fantasy XIII had a strange affect on me. Maybe I was just having a bad year but I honestly think contemplating the nature of this game did me more significant psychological harm than anything else. The friends who I know have loved Final Fantasy for as long as I have also have trouble defining what exactly is wrong with it. All I know is, playing this game can have some fucking bizarre side-effects:

Question the nature of existence. Maybe the game isn't really boring; maybe it's just reflective of the linearity of life. Maybe the monotony you're experience parallels the human condition; maybe we're all trapped in a straight line, doomed to walk it until our masters decide what to do with us.
Either that, or the game sucks. But that can't be right. Because this is Final Fantasy... and you love Final Fantasy. Even the bad ones. Because you're a whore.
Looking forward to work because it means you can stop playing Final Fantasy XIII.
Assuming the only reason you think the plot is an incomprehensible mess is because you're obviously far too stupid to comprehend its subtleties.
Trying to convince yourself the art direction is consistent and well-executed. Consistent. Well-executed. It's not a scrapheap of chaotic neon architecture and sporadic character design.
To escape that cold feeling you're experiencing play some FF games you didn't like the first time around. Discover you now prefer Crystal Chronicles and Final Fantasy XII. Cry into a pillow.
Reflect on how long you've been playing Final Fantasy games. Realise that everybody now aged fifteen weren't alive when FFVI came out. Continue crying into pillow.
Agree with what everybody has been saying about series since FFX. Set fire to FFXIII disc.

MOST LAMENTABLE LOSS OF SCARF DURING DEVELOPMENT PROCESS
ALAN WAKE

Scarves also provide incontestable health benefits

Why, who is that handsome devil? It's proto-Wake circa 2006! But what is that fluffy, warmth-giving article slung oh-so-cheekily around his manly neck? I've already admitted that despite it's many (many) shortcomings Alan Wake is pretty much my personal game of the year; I wasn't really that disappointed when they dumped the open-world but MY GOD MAN. Why would you drop the scarf? It looks so... agreeable. Like a fabric compatriot. Oh well, I guess Barry was a decent substitute. Although he doesn't look quite as accommodating.

DRUNK ACTING OF THE YEAR

HEAVY RAIN

WHADDYA WANT? SOME FUCKEN ARMBANDS? *hic*

Acting (convincingly) drunk is actually quite difficult - paradoxically more so if you're genuinely drunk. You can either practice for years; honing this fine art... or you can do what the guy voicing Scott Shelby's abusive father did. Just slur and swear. YER GIDFER NOUTHIN... HODLIMS! *hic*. GITTHA HELLOUTTA HEEERRRGGGR. COME BACK WHEN YIR FUUUUCCCCKKKIIIN MUDDER GITS HOME FROM WERK! *hic*.

Inspiring.

GAMING BLOG OF THE YEAR

GET YOUR GAME ON BLOG

The hardest-hitting blog there is. They ask the questions that developers lay awake at night fearing they may one day be asked. Their editorial staff possesses a rare level of insight and maturity that makes Michael Abbott look like a fucking Gamezville presenter. Aside from providing some of the most controversial and thoughtful samples of games writing over the past year, their frequent guest editors provide a fresh and original take on each subject. You may have even noticed our friend Zcriddly Widdley was featured recently. Frankly, if you're not reading this blog you don't care about videogames. That's all there is to it.

BEST PICTURE OF A DOG DRESSED UP AS THE ENTERPRISE OF THE YEAR

THIS ONE

Merry Christmas; may 2010 burn in hell forever.

WonderboyCoz... The Return

2010-12-24T01:27:00.005Z

It is time, time for the beginning of a new age, an age bound by rules and schedules.

It is time for an age where posts will be put up at least every friday night!

This is the age of Friday Foughts!

An age where friday nights will become an exploration of interesting developments in the world of media and random stuff, brought to you by WonderboyCoz

The first post will go up tonight as POST ZERO, and it is a short one to get you ready for the real first post on New Years Eve!

P.S. Sean - InFamous is Awesome, that is all!

Any and all responses to this will be met with Kirk-Like levels of respect for lesser beings!

Ain't No One for to Give You No Pain

2010-12-02T17:04:00.002Z

Now that I've partially fought my way through my this years gaming backlog and College is suffering from the Snowpocalypse, I can finally devote some much deserved time to the glorious Fallout: New Vegas. What better way to do that than to play Very Hard Hardcore Mode as I would if I had survived the end of civilisation.

Day One

Remembering Who I Am

Damn you Chandler Bing! How dare you shoot my pretty face off!

Could I be anymore of a Nemesis?

I awoke in the office of the kindly Doc Mitchell. He had reconstructed my appearance. He had also made the assumption that I was a Caucasian male. You are lucky you are right this time Doc.

Apparently the Docs a master of the Hairdressing arts as well. Couldn’t really remember what my hair looked like (probably some bullet still in the “Hair Remembering” areas of my brain) so I got a nice clean cut and a muttonstache. I had one of those right?

He left the room to show me his Vit-o-matic Vigour Machine. I assumed he was asking me to perform some lewd sex acts as payment for the de-deadening surgery so I’d have no choice but to oblige him. As I was leaving the room I was confronted with what I’m sure will be the first of many questions upon my journey of self re-discovery. What the fuck is an Opthalmoscope? I’d better steal it and find out later. I also took a pair of glasses from his desk and a copy of “Today’s Physician” as I thought reading some healthy pornography would help me recover from the filthy, filthy bumming I was about to endure.

Turns out the Vit-o-matic is some kind of physical and mental test. I was about to apologise to the Doc for my assumptions, but I assumed he was saving the man rape for later.

I like to think of myself as one Charismatic motherfucker and the machine proved it as well as my high Entellejalance Copabullities.

The Doc asks me to take a seat in his manky living room. Just as the fear of buggery resurges in me, he asks me some questions. I missed the first part as I wasn’t paying attention. A doctor once told me I had ADDHD or ADC or something… I dunno, I wasn’t paying much attention to him. There was a very interesting colour on the roof that had seized my interest.

“Dog.” This reminded me of the phrase “A dogs dinner”. So I replied.

“Dinner.” He gave me a look of sheer disgust. I think I may have just implied I eat Dogs. Oh well.

No mustard? You goddamn savages!

I assumed this was some kind of test to see if I hadn’t become stupider as a result of the surgery. I progressed through these questions as best I could. When he was done he walked me to the door and returned my belongings. 6 bobby pins, some bottle caps(?) and a 9mm Pistol. I’m also fairly certain I came in here with clothes…

Bad move Doctor Pervert. I’d rather shoot you than submit to your lusty ways.

The cold dead eyes of malpractice.

Goodbye Cruel World!

2010-11-26T17:59:00.000Z

It's official, the blog is over. I saw this and now I have to kill myself. That's all there is to it.

Who would have thought it was possible for an advert to convince you to sell something you already own?

Mad Men it Ain't

2010-11-25T16:35:00.004Z

The world of advertising is a strange one. The world of advertising censorship must be even stranger. Take this advert for example -

At first glance you might think that this is just any old TV advert (albeit one made as a result of an advertising executive watching a particular episode of Spaced); but internet legend would tell you that this advert was banned from broadcast (or withheld by Microsoft; who knows? It's the fucking internet). Now here's another - more recent - advertisement.

Okay, now let's ignore the fact that both are actually really awesome. What needs to be taken into consideration here is a couple of things:

1. One advert was banned (apparently) while the other was not (as of yet)

2. Both adverts are trying to sell their products on the same angle -

playing with guns is fun

3. The advert that was banned contains:

- finger guns

- Tiger Rag (which you might associate with awesome jazz)

- fake violence

4. The advert that was not banned contains:

- real guns

- real violence

- 'Gimme Shelter' by the Rolling Stones (which you might associate with a shit-tonne of Scorsese movies and/or Vietnam

I'm not saying that either advert is very likely to convince kids to turn their neighbourhood into the O.K. Fucking Corral. Hell, for all I know that thing about the first advert being banned is a load of bullshit. I'm just saying that if it was banned, then that must mean that the Advertising Standards Authority has all of the common sense and moral consistency of a brain-damaged, schizophrenic psychopath.

I'm just saying.

Guilt Trip

2010-11-24T16:52:00.003Z

Regarding last year’s Dragon Age: Origins there’s a couple of things I feel really guilty about. Mostly I feel bad for not giving it the attention it deserved at the time of its release; but I’m also feeling kind of sheepish for giving Alistair the Carth Onassi Award in the prestigious 2009 Acts of Digression Awards Ceremony. Let’s forget about the fact that I promised and failed to deliver a full review last November. That’s past; don’t dwell on the past, it’ll hurt your neck. I’ll admit that I dismissed it as a forgettable fantasy RPG at my own peril as a recent second playthrough has proved.

I’m preoccupied with the idea of guilt because it’s the emotion utilised in the game instead of the more traditional karma meter, which in most games usually looks something like this –

I’ll go right ahead and admit that I completely fucking despise this general model and the way it’s unceremoniously shoved into most games. It’s a cliché (and somewhat a Donnie Darko reference) to point out how utterly ridiculous it is to trivialise every human emotion and interaction into two easily identifiable camps, but it’s still true. Most people know the basic acts that are wrong; murder, thievery, rape, assault - that kind of thing. Same goes for right; charity, compassion, volunteering, rescuing cats from trees etc. The basic Karma meter does fine for gauging these acts; but everything else in between? The small, almost subconscious decisions each of us make every day? It’s utterly useless and if you’ll awkwardly follow me into the next paragraph I’ll explain why.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the intention of the Karma meter. Any effort to increase the player’s attachment to a game’s characters, world and story is always commendable. But you need more than good intentions to make this work. I’ll make a broad general stroke (and a hilarious move of gross hypocrisy) and claim that most Karma meters (and the effects they can have on a game as a whole) can be placed into two easily identifiable camps.

1. The Hammy

Since the karma meter is best used for situations when the player’s options are easily identifiable as either right or wrong (good or evil, dark or light etc) – this meter will most likely be found in games that utilise the standards of morality mentioned earlier (murder, rape, theft – charity, heroism etc). As a result the game will feature horrendously heavy-handed situations in which the morality of the choices available to the player are so plainly obvious that the game might even go as far to kindly tell you which button prompt is good and which prompt is bad (e.g. inFamous, Mass Effect, Knight of the Old Republic.). These are bad because they can lead to some truly appalling writing (e.g. inFamous).

2. The Unpredictable

These are featured in games where the developer (possibly because they’ve failed abysmally at encouraging player agency in a more natural way) has felt the need to make every little act an obvious good choice or an obvious bad choice. Things can get so bad that you can find yourself growing horns because you’ve been eating too much meat and growing fucking angel wings for eating lots of lettuce. I shouldn’t need to point out why this is ridiculous. - mainly because it means you can find yourself earning "good/bad" points for no apparent reason. Seriously, Molyneux – it wasn’t funny the first time around. I could be mistaken, maybe that wasn’t supposed to be funny – maybe it was just shit. Filthy vegetarian propaganda.

Which category does Dragon Age: Origins’ karma meter fall into? Neither, because it doesn’t really have one; at least not one that you can see, although if it did it would probably look something like this –

The game does have a visible meter, but that gauges how each party member feels about you. Since each party member has an individual set of personal standards and morals (you know, like actual human beings) everything you do throughout the game can have a completely different effect on each party member. One member might resent you for trying to save the mages trapped in the Circle Tower while another would bless your feet. All of this will change how your party and other NPC’s react to you but it does not accumulate into the arbitrary ‘Good Guy Points’ and ‘Bad Guy Points’.

This is impressive enough, but then there’s the fact that a huge number of choices you make in the game are entirely ambiguous. This is most apparent in the quest ‘A Paragon of Her Kind’ in which you find yourself in the middle of a royal feud. Essentially, the dwarven city of Orzammar is in disarray as its Assembly is incapable of deciding on one of two men to take the throne. Prince Bhelen is the son of the late King and as such is (by blood) the most entitled to the crown. Lord Harrowmont claims the prince murdered the king and his brothers in an attempted power grab; he also claims the late king pleaded with him on his deathbed to ensure his son does not gain the throne.

The trouble is, during your exploration of the city and your interactions with those close to either candidate there is no clear way to determine who is the definite ‘Good Guy’ and the definite ‘Bad Guy’. Both have solid arguments and defences; supports of either side will attack you if you side with the other. In the end, I had to do something I’m very rarely asked to do in a videogameDarkspawn Blight. Bhelen celebrates his coronation by immediately executing his opponent. Yikes. He gives me the aid I was seeking and I go on my way, unsure of whether or not I did the ‘Right Thing’ or the ‘Wrong Thing’.

He introduced the 'Patriot Act' not long after this. Shit.

After finishing my first playthrough I started experimenting with the other Origin stories and key decisions. It’s now very clear I did the ‘Wrong Thing’. Playing as a Dwarf Noble, it is made very obvious that Bhelen did in fact murder his family. Bhelen responds to your choice of backing Harrowmont by outright trying to murder you in front of the Assembly. But the first time through, I was playing as a Dwarf Commoner – as a commoner, Bhelen – with his promises of equality for the lower classes (he’s marrying my casteless sister after all) – seemed the more obvious choice. It wasn’t until I had made the choice (a choice based primarily on emotion and not logic) that I realised it a bad one; one that my character would have to live with. That seems to me more realistic than a Good/Bad meter.

The world of Dragon Age is one built on the concept of guilt. Guilt is at the very heart of the game’s lore. It was man who infiltrated The Golden City and tainted it with their sin, causing the Maker to turn his back on humanity. The Blight is the punishment wrought on man; a sin that won’t be forgiven until all repent and accept The Maker. Ferelden’s history is filled with people making bad decisions which they come to regret. The incredible swathes of gore that spray across the screen during combat (which I had once written off as an attempt to be all gritty n’ shit) serve their own purpose. Blood sticks to you. If you make a bad decision and someone dies their blood actually sticks to you. The game actually goes as far to leave blood on your hands.

Playing through a second time I’m more aware of the impact my decisions I could have. The guilt of the decisions I made the first time through are still fresh in my head and I’m doing my best to avoid making them, but that hasn’t stopped me from making new ones.

"Blah, blah, blah - stop killing people - blah, imma King, blah"

This could have a hugely detrimental effect on the game and make for one hugely depressing experience. It can be depressing but in the end this guilt serves as an incredible motivator. You make it a personal mission to atone for the mistakes you make; you can’t fix he fact that you last rushed decision cost an innocent life but you can make damn sure the next people you meet will write songs about you and worship the ground you walk on.

Dragon Age: Origins – like Bioware’s other great RPG at the start of the year – is quite astounding in its ability to motivate a player through use of emotion and impact on plot and character interactions. In some ways, it manages to create player agency in a more natural manner than Mass Effect 2; that game had you making galaxy changing decisions whereas some of the most meaningful interactions in Dragon Age can be as simple as showing interest in and supporting your party members.

It’s one of the few games where earning the scorn or praise of a party member or a NPC actually had an emotional impact on me. With most games featuring a karma system it’s far too easy to be the villain – being bad usually unlocks cooler powers and costumes. Sure, some people might jeer or boo at you as you walk past but who really gives a shit if you’re not invested in the world or characters (e.g. inFamous (again), Fable 1-3 (oh yeah, I went there)).

Having to face my party every time I make a bad move; having them tell me they’re disappointed in me has a real effect. Likewise when they thank me for going out of my way to help someone or confide in me enough to share their secrets. Being the good guy actually feels, well – good. Which is more than I can say for Fable, where you’re only reward seems to be a couple of cheers from strangers.

The morality system in Dragon Age: Origins completely unblemished; that rule that no game can be completely perfect dictates that you can make up for really pissing people off by piling them with gifts (which from personal experience doesn’t work even half the time). But other than that I think Dragon Age: Origins deserves to be remembered for taking a different attitude to morality and decision making from other games and I would happily list it next to the like of Grand Theft Auto IV and Farcry 2 as games that really went out of their way to emotionally involve players without resorting to an arbitrary Karma meter. It’s fucking 2010 and we shouldn’t have to put up with binary decisions in our videogames anymore. We shouldn’t still be playing videogames where the only options we’re presented with amount to nothing more than this –

Fizzle Vaccine

2010-11-23T17:18:00.004Z

I should probably give some context to yesterday's post (and accompanying photograph) before our gargantuan, intellectual readership begins thinking we've gone lowbrow.

I’ve recently been trying to curb this pretentious sense of superiority I developed during High School. I keep telling myself that the important thing is that people are playing and talking about videogames; it shouldn’t matter what game it is they’re playing or how they’re talking about them, as long as there’s a dialogue of some kind. As long as videogames are permeating culture somewhere. I was doing quite well as a matter of fact – I even managed not to vomit on release day for Call of Duty: Black Ops.

But then I just had to go and find the Gaming and Gadgets Blog of one of BBC Radio 1Xtra’s DJ’s – the illustrious DJ Treble T. I should state for the record that this is not the BBC’s main gaming page, but it is still a BBC website written by BBC employees so it is technically paid for by the taxpayer. Is it too much to expect an organisation like the BBC to use the opportunity to establish at least a partially worthwhile and slightly progressive gaming page? These are the people who graciously allowed Gameswipe to be birthed upon the TV, after all.
.

Subjected to the horrors contained on this page I couldn’t help but experience the usual emotional path I feel whenever I see something this inane and narrow in its coverage of videogames (this blog for example). It goes a little something like this –
.

ANGER - DERISION - SMUGNESS
.

I don’t know which caused me the most psychological trauma. It could have been the “celebrity” guest editors they have occasionally; I can’t work out if they’re all ghost written by the same person or if it’s just that everyone involved in contemporary R&B (or whatever the hell you call that noise) sound exactly the same as each other. It was either that or it was the excruciatingly shit audio review for Fable 3, in which the reviewers begin by admitting they haven’t played the first two. One also says he was hesitant to play the game because the bloke on the box was wearing tights. At one point in the review the claim is made that there wasn’t enough to do in the game and yet the conclusion made by the end is that it’s probably too deep for most gamers. I could make an entire post dedicated to just how shit this review is, but I'm getting really worn out by all of this. Jesus. H. Christ.

I know I’d have to be a complete asshole to let the existence of games commentary like this bother me. If I’m ever going to properly curb the aforementioned superiority complex I’m going to have to accept that all forms of media allow for various types of observation from intellectual analysis to populist reviews and everything in between – and that it’s a good thing. Sometimes though, it’s really fucking hard to believe that stuff like this is having nothing but a detrimental effect on the external image and internal culture of videogames.
.

I mean Jesus; I’m not saying we’re perfect but the BBC should give us that damn webpage. Hell, I'd even take the job if they wanted me to dress like Zcriddly Widdley from now on.

The Random Bit at the End!

I feel like I have to make up for the bilge this blog was subjected to yesterday; so tommorow you can expect a pretentious, 1800 word thesis on 'Guilt & Its Utilisation in Player Motivation in Dragon Age: Origins'. I am not joking. If you're lucky I'll split it into two parts.

Terminal Fizzle

2010-11-22T22:22:00.005Z

Today the blog is taken over by special guest gamer – popular (c)rap-artist, Zcriddly Widdley

Yo, its Z to the Widdley here. I is in charge of this blog for the day, yeah? Its gonna be well good! To you bluds out there imma gonna show you my creds so you cant be dissin my gamer skillz! lol? these is the Q’s I was given and the A’s I gave! Rofl

The Best Game You Ever Played – Any FPS Released Since 2007

Check out that gun - that is bangin'!

Aw, man I cant even remember the name of this one, but it’s proper hardcore! There is all these guns you can get and shoot people with! Don’t even try and beat me because I will shoot you more and get more points than you so dont even try it lol.! It’s mint you should totally buy it – its the one with the guy with the gun on the front cover. there’s a bit during teh game where a helicopter crashes and the screen flashes red when you get shot – you can figure out which game from that I’d reckon, just don’t ask me to remember the name though yeah I was probably stoned and shaggin’ some bird when I played it haha.

I is so hardcore coz I play games that is so old, yeah?

Oh, I think Sonic was pretty good too. The first one on the Nintendo though which came out ages ago because I am so fucking hardcore and old school. Sonic was like the first game there was and its proper creepy to think of how far we have come yeah? the music had some sick beats and I would trance out and start shaking on the floor and biting my tongue. The doctor called it a seizure but I just called it raving yeah and I still do!

The Worst Game You Ever Played – Lamescape: Torment

I proper stabbed this geezer!

Yeah I bought this shit coz the guy on the cover had proper amazin dreadlocks so I figured it would be solid. Next day I took it straight back to the store and told them crackers to give me my green back, yeah? the game was broke, man! I didn’t have a gun and I couldn’t skip the words, lolwut? Mebbe you get the gun later on but I aint got time to be wastin, biscuits? All I could do was walk around and shiv motherfuckers, which was pretty sweet but I couldn’t get out. There was this floating asshole and some other old guy in a wheelchair who just sat there and talked and I knifed him because he must have been the boss to end the level. It was so gay i killed everyone and the game still wouldn’t let me win and then some big skelington assholes came over and owned me so I was like “ Lol, turn off!”

The Longest You’ve Ever Played a Game – Tetris

I am so badass I always reach the end haha!

Yeah I got this on my phone and I own – lol that rhymes imma use it for my next song! I play this every moment I’m not recording or shaggin’ so lol its not often but over the years it must have like accumbulated yeah that’s the word or whatever. Imma so good I can stack the blocks to the top of the screen so fast people are like “Whooa that is so sick!” Its not easy and ya gotta be careful because sometimes the blocks will disappear if you stack ‘em wrong and you got to start the tower again lol! So fun!

Your Proudest Gaming Achievement – Tetris

he was so crazy but I showed him, yeah BOYEEEE!

Haha there was this one time I was at the bus stop playing this when some old Russian asshole came up and told me I was playing it wrong. I told him to fuck off I wasn’t giving him any change and how the hell would an old gay like him know to play Tetris. He was so crazy and smelly and he was like “I made Tetris” and I was like shut up you crazy Russian! Maybe he was in a hurry haha that was a Russian joke get it because Russians are always in a hurry lol! He had it on his phone so we had a play-off and I owned his ass because I stacked the blocks so quick and high and he was like dropping the blocks in holes so they disappeared lol WHAT A NOOOOOOB!

Which Celebrity Gamer Would you Like to Play Against? – Kate Beckinsale

She is so classy and hot and I would hit that hahaha

It would have to be that babe Kate Beckinsale because mebbe if I beat her at the game I could shag her lol! That faggot husband of hers would be like imma beat you up but I would be like “I won her fair and square lol because I am such a badass gamer!”

That’s all from me kids – I gotta go so much gaming talk has me worn out lol? I am hardcore but even we have our limits yeah like we all do so remember to game safe yeah?! Zcriddly Widdley away! lol like the batman.

Usual service (and an explanation) resumes tomorrow

Fun Barriers

2010-10-18T20:22:00.007+01:00

I'm sitting here seriously considering putting the disc for Knights of the Old Republic in my Xbox and starting a new game for the fifth time since it came out back in 2003. What's stopping me? The Fun Barrier. You must know what a Fun Barrier is. It's that bit in a game. That bit makes you pause inches away from putting in a game you haven't played for years and say "Fuck it, I'll play something else."

It doesn't matter how fond your memories are for a particular game; you can only get so close to hitting 'New Game' before you remember the sheer dull agony of that bit. We here at 'Acts of Digression' feel that those bits have hampered our attempts to enjoy our back catalogue for too long. Something must be done. That something is the naming and shaming of some of the mediums best (worst) examples.

6. Zone of the Enders 2: The 2nd Runner (PS2, 2003)


This? This is fun. Escort missions? No.

Okay, so this isn't a particularly bad one. The only reason it's on this list is because this Fun Barrier hits so early and so hard. Which is not to say the rest of the game is easy; far from it - this game frequently kicks you in the stomach with its insane level of bullshit bosses. After a couple of minutes spent wiping out hundreds of tiny robots with Jehuty's kick-ass arsenal, the game has you searching through a warehouse for a container with a trapped ally inside. Do you get an objective marker?

No. What you get is a quick audio message which gives you a short description of the crate in question. This could range from "It's blue" to "there's a seven in the serial number". So you have to hover carefully next to each crate, reading its serial number and firing your blaster to see if the nervous guy shakes in it. If you pick the wrong crate, the rest are ferried off to another area of the warehouse. Seriously, even with the multiple hints you get it seems like it's mostly dependent on luck; once I've done this in five minutes another time it took me an hour. What's your reward for finding the correct crate? You get to carry the guy and his shitty Frame past hundreds of enemies to the launch bay. In other words - an Escort mission. FUCK THAT.

5. Fable (XBOX, 2004)


Rawr, I'm more irritating than scary or difficult... grr.

Speaking of escort missions *spits* - Fable. Darkwood. Trader escort. Jesus. Christ. What do you get when you combine suicidal NPC's, rapidly depleting health bars, depressing and dreary art design, oppressive music, fast constantly FUCKING JUMPING ENEMIES and a pitiful reward? This. Which you don't want. Ever. FUCK THAT.

4. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (XBOX, 2003)

You've got Bastila. Only a few hours left.

The game which reminds me why it's such a good idea to always have a save file just after the main tutorial level of a RPG has finished. Okay, so the game has got quite a bit to it. You essentially need to teach the player the rules for D&D 3E. You might need quite a lengthy tutorial to get the basics across. Just not this lengthy. By the time you leave Taris, you will be versed in every single damn thing this game involves. There will be nothing left for you to learn. You will forget that there's a galaxy waiting for you, because you are on Taris for decades. Those sci-fi buildings might look quite nice the first couple of times you see them, but after a while you'll actually look forward to visiting the Undercity. It just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Without end. FUCK THAT.

3. The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay (XBOX, 2004)

Rawr, I'm actually scary and difficult... grr.

Call me a pussy, but the sewer level in Butcher Bay is one of the few game sequences that properly Shits Me Up Bigtime (TM). You're in total darkness. You're trapped in an endless maze of grates and tunnels. You're looking for a small, circular lump of metal. You've got a severely wonky torch with a battery that is decidedly not of the Energizer brand and is rapidly depleting. You've got very limited ammo. You've also got an infinite horde of screaming, dashing mutants on your ass. FUCK THAT.

2. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (PS2, 2001)

I wish I knew, Raiden. I really do.

Water, water everywhere. It's like Hydrophobia, but somehow even worse. About halfway through the Big Shell part of the game, you get to swim through a submerged Strut and rescue Otacon's stepsister. On your merry way, aside from having to contend with abysmal swimming controls you have to dodge mines, keep an eye on your oxygen meter and avoid Cthulhu. Okay, that bit I made up - but everything else is true. You do get a break halfway through... in order to fight the immortal Vamp. Then you get a cutscene. Then more swimming. Then a cutscene. Then you get to go back the way you came while carrying out an escort mission *spits*. After that ordeal you get to see Otacon's sister die. Then Christopher Randolph does that cry that sounds like a laugh. Essentially, the level combines the Water Level with the Escort Mission, so... you know; FUCK THAT.

1. Final Fantasy VII (PS1, 1997)

Welcome to Midgar. Why the fuck would you come here?

Beautiful, scenic Midgar. Come, see the sights and smell the smells of this oppressive, industrial nightmare. Shinra Tourist Industries can not be held responsible for any injury suffered through terrorist attack, mako poisoning or plate collapse. In KOTOR, you're on Taris for like three hours. In FFVII, you're in Midgar for at least six. That's the length of your standard shooter. I know that the point is that Midgar is fucking horrible - and it is probably one of the best fictional cities videogames have ever produced, but Jesus is it depressing. FUCK THAT.

Enter Hangman

2010-10-14T17:42:00.003+01:00

I don't think that I've had enough experience with the Playstation Move to actually form an opinion on it yet; or at least not enough experience to determine whether or not it's an actual thing I will be regularly playing actual videogames on. The suggestion that's there's not currently enough actual videogames available to properly determine its viability may be a cliché; but it's a cliché with a firm basis in reality. Start The Party? Sports Champions? The Fight? No thanks guys, I've already played those.

That doesn't mean I haven't already had a reasonably interesting experience with it; it's just that the experience didn't require the Playstaion Move - or even electricity for that matter. This experience came courtesy of Beat Sketcher - which is without doubt the best musical painting app I have ever played with Playstaion Move. It's essentially MS Paint laid over whatever the Playstaion Eye is looking at. Oh, and the cursor sings and makes noises when you move it, which I reckon you could probably do for free if you already had MS Paint. Just provide the noises yourself but don't let anyone catch you - you'll end up in Arkham Asylum.

As you can imagine, drawing a Hadouken bursting from your palm or giving yourself Spider-man webs only keeps you entertained for so long. Which is when we started playing Hangman with it. It wasn't until after at least a good hour of this that we realised the absurdity of what we were doing.

To achieve our state of gaming nirvana we were utilising the following -

1 gaming console (£300)

1 motion controller and camera combo (£44.99)

1 TV (£400)

Fuck knows how much electricity (£??)

Which really should have made us feel like slime, considering all we really needed to do what we were doing is the following -

1 Bit of Paper (free, if you just find it in the street. £1 I guess if you buy it new)

1 Pen (free, because there's always a pen somewhere)

A source of light (free, if it's during the day. Free, if it's during the night but you have a window next to a street light. Minimal if you have to stick on a light bulb.)

So to avoid a massive wave of guilt we switched to something you can't do easily or cheaply without the Move - Pictionary. If you're playing Pictionary on paper you'll need to buy like, six different pens. That shit adds up. This game is usually just as riveting as Hangman, but the experience can be somewhat marred if one of your players has all of the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs. In a bag. Quoting Blackadder.


Oh come on, this is so very obviously Sonic Youth. Look at the acne!

I'm not sure this is the kind of thing that Sony had in mind, but hell - we experienced fun at some basic level so I guess they've done their job. So, the Playstation Move - a perfect substitute for paper should the need arise.

The Random Bit at the End!

As you can see, the blog is alive. Again. Christ knows how long it'll last this time. Believe it or not, Jamie Ferrier is still alive and with us - he may even be posting something at some point. Exciting times. It's a miracle you've lasted this long without us.

Here Comes the Sun

2010-10-13T22:08:00.005+01:00

It's the 14th of July, 2010 and I have just finished a rant about the perplexing, eldritch terror that is the Konami registration system for Metal Gear Online. I relax into my chair and think about having an early night; I've got big plans for tomorrow. One of my days free of work which I'm planning to use by ensuring the blog is once again updated with satisfying frequency. I am even planning to maybe get to work on that podcast, crack out a few more pages of obligatory novel or hell - finally apply to that university. Yup, if everything goes according to plan there shouldn't be anything stopping ol' Séan from getting productive again.

As I sit there thinking of what fascinating topic I could use for the next post a great and sudden burst of light floods the room. As my eyes refocus they behold the outline of a man. This being of light does not speak yet I hear his mighty words,

"Séan Casey. The sleeper is stirring. Soon his egg will hatch and the dream in which we all exist shall shatter. It is you and you alone who must ensure the eternal slumber continues until our purpose is fulfilled."

Each word takes an aeon to be pronounced; each syllable a forever. I can feel the mechanisms of destiny shift within my soul. I have not the gift to speak without sound so I use the primitive chamber of flesh in my throat to articulate;

"Who are you? Why must I inherit such a burden?"

The universe ticks through another cycle of beginning and ending as he replies,

"I am the Earth. The Earth is the alarm clock. You are the one who must muffle its inevitable ring - for you are the one who circumnavigated the Konami registration system. But first thou must sever all ties to the now before you can reach the infinite"

The being pours into me and I understand. My job is left. The university forgotten. My family, dog and co-authors are locked into a stasis that can withstand the fury of the Evernothing. Once I am done with this place I fly to our star. Our Sun. The One which brought us life and will bring us death. I dip my fingers into its surface and observe the ripple. I wish I do not observe the crack which is widening across its surface.

This is no mere star. 'Tis an egg. 'Tis the cradle of Azathoth! The Blind Idiot God! Our universe the result of His childish play. In either brilliance or luck, as He fell into Nap he crafted our Earth and entwined unto it an importance that would reach across the cosmos. Weaved unto it a destiny not dissimilar of that of a Man. This Earth would wake him when he had dreamt the things the dreamer dreams.

As my hand begins to warm He stirs. Reality begins to fade and bend as its creator outgrows his need for it. Everything is becoming nothing. Apart from me - alone in the forefront of His endless consciousness. It is down to me to send Him back to sleep. We become one as our souls begin to probe each other. He yawns and the universe explodes. I must show Him the horror. The things He must face if he leaves the world of imagination for the realities of whichever plane He roams. I can show Him because I have seen them.

He does not scream.

He simply shuts His eyes and returns to sleep.

Nothing becomes everything. The return of the relative tangibility which we call existence. I find myself lying on my bed with a laptop under my fingers. I hover over the clock - it is the 13th of October 2010. I should count myself lucky that the dream which we call reality is restored. I have only missed four months, I should count myself lucky. I can start again.

So yeah, the blog has been temporarily abandoned because I had to read God a bedtime story and the others were trapped in The Space Between.

It's not because I'm a lazy bastard.

A Really Long Down-La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo-ad

2010-07-14T17:35:00.005+01:00

Jesus Crocodile-Jumping Christ. Forgive me that I'm two full years late (and the fact that Kotaku covered this at the time) but... Jesus. Christ. I had no idea.

So there I was, minding my own business when all of a sudden a bizarre thought enters my cranium - I have never played Metal Gear Online. I do the natural thing - whip out the disc and boot up my PS3. What follows is what you might call an 'Internal Narrative Transcript' - a fascinating and exhilarating journey into the innerworkings of my beautiful consciousness as I navigate a digital labyrinth of antiquated online bullshit. Forgive the cluster-swearing but... fuck. Please enjoy.

Oh - what's that? There's a patch I need to download before I can play? Argh - I guess this is a PS3 after all. Never mind - minor inconvenience.

THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER

Goody, that's the download complete. Shit - now it's installing. This probably won't take a minute.

TWELVE MINUTES LATER

Wow. That was not a whole lot of fun. Anyway, we're good to go now. Let's get all stealth up in this bitch. Wait... what? What in the fuck is this?! Blah blah blah Registration? Uh... okay. Really? I need to register for two separate ID's (that have nothing to do with my PSN) before I can play. That's... EA.

SIX MINUTES LATER

Yeah, that registration form was an adrenaline-fuelled thrill-ride. It's good to know that Konami is aware of my father's home town. Jesus - I'm starting to think this is the first sign of SOP taking over the world. Honestly - is this another Kojima meta-joke? Once I finish this FUCKING form is he going to pop up and ask me if I "like it"? I especially loved how I can't use the same username for both the ID's I have to set-up. Oh, and the fact that I can't use capitals. And the fact that one of the password's required letters and the other one required numbers. Not to mention that the console had to open up a FUCKING WEB PAGE for me to do all this. Now it tells me I've got to open up my email and click on the confirmation. Well - that's a pain in the ass, but at least the browser is open for me to... wait. WHAAAAAT?! I can't navigate away from this Konami page? I need to QUIT THE FUCKING GAME and then OPEN THE FUCKING WEB BROWSER AGAIN. Yay. Streamlined.

FIVE MINUTES & ONE TEMPORARY SWITCH BACK TO YAHOO! MAIL CLASSIC LATER

Good fine. There goes my soul. I start the game AGAIN - put in my ID and get ready for some game. A message box informs me that I may (by the good graces of the Konami Corporation and its subsidiaries & shareholders) register one character...

FOR FREE!

Wow. Truly, you are kind. Thank you so much you benevolent motherfuckers. I am not worthy - I am but a serf weeping tears of joy at your magnificent, royal feet. By the will of the Gods please allow my humble, salty ocular ejaculate to wash away any sock fluff that may or may not be stuck under you mighty toenails. If it please thy lord I shall now bend over and prepare to receive your well-oiled, fleshy gift. Ravish me your lordship. THANK YOU SO VERY FUCKING MUCH.

FOUR MINUTES & ONE ASIAN BAD-ASS IN THE CHARACTER CREATOR LATER

All right. Team Deathmatch. Go.

EIGHT MINUTES OF MATCHMAKING LATER

I enter a match with three other human beings. It's disappointingly good. I was hoping that if the game itself was terrible I could dismiss the entire thing - instead I'm left with the factt that this tense and exquisitely balanced shooter is hidden behind some of the most ridiculous online registration I've ever experienced. I think the only problem is that there's so few people playing, which can probably be attributed to the above proceedings.

Halo 2 was six-years ago - an online multiplayer experience so devoid of unnecessary bullshit and home to such a perfect matchmaking system that it's what I would come to expect as standard from that moment. The worst thing about it is... why? Just... why? Why, why WHY?! Why couldn't I just use my PSN? If you must insist that I setup a Developer-specific account - why two of them? Why couldn't this be done in the game itself? Why did it require an internet browser? Why did I have to open my email? Why? That Kotaku article was two years ago. Two years. It blows my mind that in all that time no effort has been made to streamline the experience. I just want some answers! If somebody could create an anime Powerpoint and have Patrick Zimmerman present it to me, that would be swell - thanks.

Sssssssnake Eaterrrrrrrrrrr

I'm Floating In a Most Peculiar Way

2010-07-12T15:31:00.009+01:00

Why do I keep doing this to myself? It's not like I'm some adrenaline addicted madman with an uncontrollable desire to launch myself into situations which will most likely leave me a lifeless, bloodied husk at the bottom of some God-forsaken gorge. I've been playing videogames for - what - fourteen years now? Let's say I've been religiously following the gaming press and culture for at least ten of those - that's an entire decade for me to learn the hard lessons. I know that no game is ever going to live up to the impossible tapestry of absurd, Holodeck-like dreams living in the Videogame Hype section of my brain. I don't buy anything on a whim. It's rare I find something in a store I have no knowledge of. I like to think I know my shit - that I have maintained a relatively firm grasp of the contours of the gaming landscape since - at the very least - the late nineties. So what in the sacred name of fuck am I doing paying full-price for a copy of Darkstar One: Broken Alliance?

This is where it all went down, this is where I paid forty
quid for a four year old game which is £5.99 on Steam

Okay, so I could have purchased it online. Despite how disgusting the experience is these days, I like buying stuff with physical money at an actual store. This was the only place in an entire city which sold it and it also happened to be the only place with the fucking cheek to ask that much money for it (it came in a cardboard sleeve, I guess). Oh yeah, that's right baby - I went looking for this asshole. I woke up that morning and my twisted mind suggested "Hey man, you should, like, get on a train, go the nearest city and, like, actually buy Darkstar One". The money would have - should have - went to a copy of Demon's Souls, but this is the East Coast of Scotland. If I want to buy anything even remotely obscure from a store I would have to travel 100 miles to Edinburgh. No Demon's Souls = buy Darkstar One.

I offer - what I think is - a pretty decent excuse. I own every game of a particular genre on the 360. That's not that impressive when that genre consisted of - prior to the port of Darkstar One - Star Trek Legacy and Project Sylpheed. The Battlestar Galactica game in the Live Arcade DOES NOT COUNT. I really like flying around in space. Too much, you might say. You could say it's a thing I have. Flying around in space just does it for me. I don't even need to be doing much else. Just give me a ship with some space to fly around in and I'm as happy as a camper. If you throw in some combat and trading I'll consider it a nice little bonus.

A convenient screenshot which sufficiently highlights both the
flying around in space and shooting things nature of the game. Illustrative.

Problem is, when it comes to the matter of "flying around in space" the PC is really where it's at. Excluding the Wing Commander series I really haven't got much flight experience on the PC. I used to use the "my laptop is a hulking, antiquated pile of nothing" excuse but I don't think I'm fooling anybody. Truth is - I just... can't. Okay? I'll admit it - I'm a complete console whore. I just can't enjoy playing a game with a keyboard okay? Please, leave me alone. It's not my fault - nothing short of a control pad can allow me to actually enjoy playing a videogame.

When I learned that a proper space sim was being ported to the 360 I dropped everything else. Even if it was a space sim with the lukewarm reaction that greeted Darkstar One. I ignored every negative review I read of the port. Usual buzz phrases like "repetitive mission structure" and "severe frame-rate issues" kept cropping up and I did something I haven't done in a long time. I completely lied to myself. I fed myself piles of steaming bullshit - pulling imaginary gameplay features out of my ass. I became Peter Molyneux. I would be able to, like, land on planets and go binge drinking in alien bars. Tentacled hookers! Invade trade stations! Command a crew of plucky spacefarers! Leaf on the wind! All this despite the fact that I knew what the game itself included - slightly less than Elite.

Coming up with our own impression of what an incoming videogame will be like is something we're constantly encouraged to do by the more commercial segments of the gaming media as well as by advertisers. It's a shitload easier to sell you your own idea of the perfect videogame than someone else's. We go years devouring every morsel and every screenshot - spending every spare minute discussing (bullshitting) what we expect from it and setting ourselves up for disappointment. I thought I'd managed to grow out of that process, especially after that whole Two Worlds fiasco.

I guess we each have our weaknesses - that one game that hints at finally delivering that one, holy game which satisfies and exceeds every single desire we've ever had - allowing us to do everything we've ever wanted to do in a videogame. When it comes to that one game we're more than willing to delude ourselves and eat up every PR tidbit.Darkstar One promised me flying around in space on a console and that's exactly what it gave me and I'm more than grateful for that. Apart from that, yeah - meh. Not that it's the games fault for not giving me that one one, holy game. It has a very, shall we say, robust system when it comes to visiting new sectors of space -

1. Fly to new sector
2. Fly to nearest Trade Station and obtain Side Quest which will open passage to the hidden clusters in that system
3. Obtain Artifacts for ship upgrades
5. Return to Trade Station
6. Pimp ship
7. Check news to learn locations of pirate groups in sector
8. Slaughter all pirates.
9. Fly to next sector
10. Repeat till game ends

You're never short of credits so there's no reason to take on other side missions or even acknowledge the presence of the trading system. With each upgrade, your ship looks slightly sexier - this is the main reason to keep playing, increasing ship sexiness. The difficulty flails between two extremes - impossible whenever you enter a new sector - piss easy once you've collected the nearby Artifacts and upgraded your ship.

But still - I can fly around in space. That's really the entire point. The point I'm willing to pay forty bucks for and put up with an otherwise mediocre game. We all have our weaknesses.

Wonderboy's Scott Pilgrim Trailer Gets It Together!

2010-06-17T23:39:00.004+01:00

Here is the third Scott Pilgrim trailer, and it is the best one yet, some cool new stuff in this one, cannot wait for this movie to be unleashed!

So... yeah!

Coming Soon - E3 breakdown

Wonderboy's Precious Little Trailer, Is this Michael Cera's "Finest Hour"?

2010-06-02T22:56:00.002+01:00

Here it is, the new Scott Pilgrim vs The World trailer and it is absolutely awesome!

I think that this is all that needs to be said, so go see this movie, and if you can get your hands on the graphic novels that the movie is based on, it is very cool and unlike anything else I have ever read, although that said, I don't read all that much...

...but still, they are awesome!

AWESOME!

also, E3 in two weeks, come on Battlefront 3!

Writer's Block is Like Being Chased by Shadow People

2010-05-26T10:05:00.022+01:00

Alan Wake has a decent basket of problems, but it also

offers some interesting solutions to some other problems.

There seems to be a sizable chunk of dislike spewed in the direction of the 6-8 hour, narrative driven videogame these days. To be fair - yes, not all videogames are worth the £40 price tag - but I don't automatically place more value on a gameplay driven experience capable of replay after replay than a linear, one-use six hour experience.

This is wholly dependant on whether or not those six hours are good. I would happily trade every hour I've spent in the narcotic known as Diablo II if I could play through Portal or Max Payne for the first time again.

Alan Wake is short. Really short. Beautifully, maddeningly short. The prospect of reaching the end in a single sitting is not an improbable one. I'd be more surprised if you were able to save your progress, turn off the console and walk away every time you completed a chapter.

Make no mistake - this game is more 'Darkness Falls' than 'Twin Peaks', no matter what you've heard. Whenever I hear someone describe this as 'Twin Peaks: The Videogame' the only thing that tells me is that person has never watched an episode of 'Twin Peaks'. That's a good thing by the way - an accurate 'Twin Peaks' videogame would be one boring concept.

That other comparison that people keep making about those Stephen King novels - that has some merit. You know - those Stephen King novels. Not the Dark Tower or Castle Rock Stephen King novels (*cough* the good ones). No - the other 67% of Stephen King novels that are about the estranged wife of a writer, or the widow of an estranged writer, or the writer of an estranged widow etc. - you know, those ones. The not that great but the pulpy, readable ones.

Alan Wake is a writer. That is made very clear in the opening thirty seconds - along with a handy Stephen King quote to make those aforementioned literary allusions very clear. He was a successful novelist, with his Alex Casey (read: Max Payne) series being an international bestseller. But now, he has a diddums - which is to say - Writer's Block. So, his wifey-mifey takes him to cure his diddums in the picturesque New England town of Bright Falls.

Say hello then goodbye to Bright Falls

Bright Falls. The game's Twin Peaks/Castle Rock. A far-too-perfect-on-the-surface community that even Wake admits he didn't think existed anymore. Steeped in secrets, family tensions and shady characters. Sounds like the perfect place to spend the majority of the game right? Wandering around; chatting with the locals; seeing the sights, learning about the town's twisted history. No. You do no such thing. You wander into a coffee shop, get really exited about the weirdness and the quirks of all the locals and then that's it. You are now leaving Bright Falls. This is the last moment of calm and subtlety you'll be getting for a while.

That's about as much story as you're getting from me. You should go buy it now. If I sound grouchy and dismissive it's because I'm bored with this synopsis and want to talk about what the game means now. Thank you.

Cue a mysterious Woman in Black, a mysterious cabin on a mysterious lake and the mysterious disappearance of your wife from said cabin and you're now in gamesville. The game is fine. The game is fun, to a point. You wander through wonderfully oppressive forests, howling and snapping branches to your back. The camera goes woosh - shadowy lunatics stumble towards you with meat cleavers. You shine a torch at them - the shadow explodes - you shoot the motherfucker left in its place. You take a few more steps, then this occurs again.

The guns work fine. Sparks cascade once you've worn their protective shadow away with a blast from your flashlight. Time goes swoosh whenever you duck a lunging bread knife attack. It does look very pretty. As do the trees. The mountains and lakes too. People's facial animations are not so pretty. I wouldn't have such a problem with all this prettiness and smooth gameplay if it wasn't for the rest of the game. Here is where we awkwardly segueway into a new paragraph. Again.

These sparks are pretty. That's all I got.

The plot is the game's worst problem, and that's because the plot is truly great whereas the game is good. I have never resented the gameplay segments of a videogame quite as much as in Alan Wake. They keep you away from the plot. This is something villains do. The game is a villain. I know I shouldn't feel this way as someone who constantly argues the merits of videogames over TV and movies. But... damn. It's not my fault.

The game does this to itself. It insists that it's a TV series, and a bloody compulsive one at that. Each chapter ends with an 'End of Chapter' song and begins with a 'Previously on Alan Wake' segment. The game is now asking for it. There's a real problem with smithing your game's narrative into a shape resembling a movie or TV series. You have an even bigger problem if your plot is fantastic, or at least has the compulsive page-turning qualities of a Dan Brown novel - even if it is shit. Case in point: Heavy Rain. My God - I hated that game for forcing me to play it rather than watch it.

It gets to the stage where I'm rushing past enemy encounters (not that they're scary) just so that I can nibble the next tasty, deep-fried plot nuggets. I feel like an asshole for doing so, but frankly - aside from one or two brief moments of atmospheric beauty and oppression that almost reach the heights of those in Silent Hill 2 (only almost) - the game itself is just not that compelling. The plot, on the other hand - is.

Alan Wake - incontestable evidence that I can't play a modern survival-horror game without finding myself making subconscious comparisons to Silent Hill 2.

Deliciously confusing - yet it leaves you enough clues and adopts just the right level of subtlety to let you reach your own conclusion while maintaining a concrete consistency in its characters and world. There's a moment where Alan states that the most important thing in any good story is that the characters stay true to themselves - a lesson that surely would have improved Heavy Rain if David Cage had heeded this. The characters of Alan Wake truly do stay true to themselves - they may be archetypes, but this just ensures that the characters never do something the player wouldn't expect from them. This is most important with Alan - who displays a definite narrative arc that contains little to no sudden derailments or sudden shifts in priority. Not that impressive in the world of movie or literature, but rare - to a degree - in videogames.

I wish I could get further into the meat of the story, but I truly don't wish to ruin it for anybody. Suffice to say - it's a remarkable achievement, constantly referencing itself and utilising numerous story-telling techniques that are rarely seen in film - let alone in videogames. There are more layers to its fiction than I could possibly comprehend - reaching the point where, paradoxically, the player knows a good deal of the evens that occurred but almost nothing at the same time. It gives new meaning to the phrase infinite regression. I'd love to get more into it - maybe in a few months when I can feel certain that the majority of people have finished it. Then I might come back to it and start throwing phrases like mise en abyme around.

Now, if you would kindly allow me to backtrack to a point I was about to make some fourteen paragraphs ago. The short, narrative driven game.

It's too early for me to be definite about any of this - but what we do know is that there is imminent downloadable content for Alan Wake. This is interesting. Given the episodic format the game presents, is it too much to expect this DLC to be a direct continuation? Another, full episode? I would certainly hope so. That was where my major problem with the TV format came from - it's all well and good having a series end with a cliffhanger or the impression that some seriously exciting stuff is about to happen when you're a TV series. I only have to wait twelve months - tops - to get more of you. But when you're a game - especially with the development period of Alan Wake - this is an unbearable prospect. Is it also too much to expect a new episode every six months or so? I certainly hope not.

I like to imagine that most people wouldn't have a problem shelling £40 for an eight-hour videogame if they could expect a direct continuation of the narrative every few months - provided it's a good one. That's what I was really wanting from the GTAIV DLC, but I'm still waiting to see a narrative-driven AAA game utilising the kind of post-release continuation you'd get from a Sam & Max game.

Maybe I'm being hugely unrealistic. Probably.

Thus concludes the diatribe - please now give 'Remedy' and Sam Lake some money. I wish I could communicate some concise impressions to convince you to buy Alan Wake - but I can't. This is apparent by both the fact that I pretty much complain about the gameplay and some of the game's pretenses for the first half of this "review" and the fact that I spew thousands of unnecessary words that have next to nothing to do with the game itself. What can I say, I'm a crap reviewer. If you need a numerical value to convince you to buy it - here ya go...

Uh... 3487.385.

What's it out of? Uh... 3487.385 out of -283.

Don't look at me like that. If you go buy it I promise to never review anything "properly" again.

Wonderboys Not Really A Trailer But Still Awesome 3-minute Short Film

2010-05-07T00:42:00.002+01:00

Ok, so this isnt really a trailer, but you could think of it as a wish...

...A wish that those film making bastards would stop making absolutely crap movies based on video games, comic books you can do, but not games?

hurry up and make something decent, Prince of Persia looks decent, but I want something awesome, imagine the above video with some awesome special effects, a story and maybe a better Ryu, that could kick potential ass all the way to the cinema screen!

Wonderboys Awesomely Airbending, Ferociously Firebending, Extremely Earthbending and Wonderfully Waterbending Not-Avatar Trailer

2010-04-24T13:37:00.004+01:00

Hello all, after coincidentally watching the previous Last Airbender trailer last night and saying how awesome it looked, the next day another trailer has been released with even more bending and a glimpse of Appa, the flying bison.

Enjoy...

Awesome-o!

Stay tuned for more goodness!

Wonderboy's Marvel-ous Sex Bob-omb Whiplash of Trailer Goodness!

2010-04-18T14:14:00.009+01:00

It is time for the return of the most excellent of movie trailers, adrenaline-fueled thrill rides created to boost the excitement for Movies, Television Shows and Video Games alike.

In a previous installment I presented the Iron Man 2 Trailer which while showing off some cool footage of the movie, I felt that it lacked the energy you would find in a truly awesome trailer, it seemed like it was just thrown together quickly with the footage they had at the time. However, the second trailer is far more awesome, what you all want from a trailer...

...Yeah, he has a portable Iron Man suit, very much like a classic Iron Man suit in the comics which Tony carried around in a suitcase.

And as a little extra, here is a trailer that needs to be seen, just because I want this movie to be as awesome as it looks from this trailer, It seems like everyone I know who has seen the trailer thinks it looks great, whether they have read the source material or not, so here you go...

...Michael Cera = Scott Pilgrim, and Sean was worried about that casting choice!

Coming next week, More Stuff!

The Return of Wonderboy and the Unlimited Digression

2010-04-13T21:37:00.007+01:00

I would like to open this long-awaited post by thanking my colleague Sean Casey for attempting to keep this thing alive with his last few posts.

Excelsior!

So, now we can get onto the matter at hand, it seems that my year 2 examinations are at hand and that means that following Thursday, I will have a significant increase in free time on my hands for a little while until my final exam at the end of May. This increase in free time will ultimately lead to an increase in posts from your favourite contributor... me!

I will attempt to show a trailer at least once a week and will present the next chapter of the Media Multi-Verse Crisis War!

On top of that I have been thinking of casting my own Star Trek bridge crew after to listening to an old Make It So podcast(brought to you by the brilliant Simply Syndicated guys linked in the sidebar!) in which Rich and the guys had some hilarious crew ideas.

If I do this I will probably post it here for posterity and a few chuckles, hey maybe Sean and Jamie will do the same, that might be interesting, right?

So, there you have it, I am back, hopefully for a good while with no ridiculous hiatus like those damned US television shows. I hate it when they do, don't you?

See you soon folks!

Infinite Tutorial

2010-03-30T22:19:00.003+01:00

This evil game would have you believe - within its opening minutes - that it has succinctly versed the player in the complexities of space combat. It tells you about your weapon range; it tells you how to move and how to fire. Oh, and it also tells you this is all you'll need to know to avoid pesky instances of explosion. This is a lie. The suggestion that all you need to know is contained within this five minutes tutorial borders on criminal. The manual doesn't delve any deeper.

Infinite Space contains one of the vaguest and psychotic combat systems I have ever had to wrangle with in order to gain entry to the meat of a RPG. Or maybe I've just been mollycoddled by forty-two hours worth of Final Fantasy XIII. As if it wasn't bad enough that the game teaches you next to nothing about the finer points of combat - the combat itself contains a worryingly large dose of luck.

It all essentially boils down to an intergalactic game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Only batshit crazy. You and the enemy have access to three manoeuvres - Barrage, Normal and Dodge. Barrage unleashes three rounds of attacks from each ship in your fleet and inflicts huge damage. A Normal attack fires once and inflicts standards damage. Where things get complicated is when Dodge enters this scenario. If you Dodge and your enemy fires a Barrage, you incur no damage whatsoever. If you Dodge and they fire off a Normal, you will be raped. Also, there's an Awesome Action Bar (naturally). This bar increases over time, starting Green in colour and slowly changes to Yellow then finally Red. When it's Yellow you can either Dodge or fire a Normal. When it's Red you can Barrage.

Now, you're only way of anticipating what your enemy is planning is to keep a constant eye on a small line which surrounds the enemy ship. This shows you the current colour of the enemies Awesome Action Bar. The enemy can see yours. If it goes Yellow then Green, you can safely assume that they've just Dodged. You fire a Normal - they explode. Everybody is happy. If it stays Yellow... then, well... uh. You're fucked. A veritable Schrödinger's Nexus of Quantum Unpredictability tears the universe a new corn shoot.

You could assume they're going to Normal and not Dodge, only to be hit by a Barrage. You could also assume they're going to Barrage and then Dodge, only to be violated by a Normal. Even if you try to be sneaky and use the fact that the enemy can see you Awesome Action Bar to try and trick them, chances are they've been doing the same thing from the start. You could also try and board the enemy ship to Melee them to death, but at that point you're pretty much begging for Lady Luck to squat over your head and piss down your neck. The whole thing quickly derails into an infinite regress of "But if they know I know they know that I know, then they can't know that I know that they don't know"! etc.

It's utterly fantastic. It sounds dreadful. It is. It's also fantastic. It's exactly the way I like my space combat. Simultaneously chaotic and serene. One part The Next Generation, one part Battlestar Galactica. Random encounters can easily last up to twenty minutes as you and your enemy drift across the field - each of you trying to dash in to your optimum weapons range at the most opportune moments and then dashing back out to avoid return fire. All the while trying to predict your enemies response. Each attack is preceded by a brilliant view of your Bridge as you shout commands and the computer spews out indecipherable babble about attack patterns and wave fluctuations - culminating in a biblical barrage of lasers and missiles flying out of your fleet and peppering the hull's of the enemy fleet. Ships don't just explode. They slowly drift off course, slowly crackle with electricity and then shatter into pieces in a huge wave of energy. It's totally the Death Star blowing up, and I'm talking Special Edition Death Star blowing up. With crackling bits of shit.

That's the combat. There's even a game in here. The story - in its overarching sense - is of little consequence. There's a kid. He wants to go space. There's a Mysterious Artifact. Destiny. Mysterious Evil Dudes Being Cryptic In End Chapter Cut-scenes. It's all very fun. On a smaller scale - the game takes more of an episodic approach. This is much more interesting, as it gets all Star Trek again. You show up in a new system. You come across an unknown ship or government. There will be a diplomatic, military or political problem that you will inevitably get caught up in and eventually resolve. Set course for the nearest Starbase, ensign. Make it so.

This really is the kind of thing that should have had the Star Trek license slapped over it years ago. There's the Crew Assignment - where you flex your sexy Captain muscles as you tell people which god-damned seat they're sitting it. Another good thing - you don't have to put the Science Genius in charge of the Science department. You may incur lower stats but there's nothing quite like demoting your Top Super Maverick Pilot to kitchen duty whenever they question your orders in a cut-scene. Oh, you buy and equip modules to increase your ship's stats and add abilities. It's like the Panel System from Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days except for the small difference that... uh... yeah - it's like the Panel System from Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days.

So, you've got a fantastically vague and luck-driven combat system; little tutorial; Star Trek worship; deliciously plodding combat and some High Cheese Anime Science Fiction Space Opera Action! "My God!" I hear you not say! "The only thing that could make this any better if the bulk of exploration and character interaction is reminiscent of a text adventure!"

Yup. Good old text. Even though virtually every planet and Space Station looks identical the universe manages to convey a huge sense of scale and diversity. Every system has its own geopolitical idiosyncrasies which you can overhear being discussed by the pissheads down at the local Space Boozer. Not to mention enough frequent muggings, assassinations and alcoholic, disgraced Star Captains willing to impart some words of wisdom (READ: stat increase) to ensure it's worth your while stopping off at every station along the way. Also - Love Triangles! DRAMA!

Infinite Space is exactly the way a Space RPG should be - an exhausting, maddening Sci-Fi Oregon Trail. You may not be able to contract Dysentery but you're just as likely to be sent to a Game Over for not being as psychic as the game demands. By taking the opportunity to shit on you as frequently as possible, the game achieves that rare act of making you feel like a self taught, balls-to-the-wall military genius whenever you pull a victory out of the bag. Even if it was all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

A Genuine Thing is Soon!

2010-03-29T22:12:00.004+01:00

There was supposed to be an 'Infinite Space' review posted tonight, but it's gotten really long. Plus, I'm currently morbidly mesmerised by a manifestation of evil currently broadcasting on ITV2. It's a comedy(?) quiz featuring Leigh Francis, Louis Walsh, Paddy McGuinness, Fearne Cotton and MORE! It's possibly the worst thing ever. Really. Physical pain.

I had to turn it off. Now I'm watching Balls of Steel.

It's marginally worse.

I fucking hate television.

Heady Days at GDC

2010-03-20T17:11:00.014Z

Great Gibbering Bernard Cribbins Dancing Naked on a Rice Cracker! That has to be the most ludicrous bout of inactivity for quite some time. We never could quite work out the fine line between "Parody" and "JUST FUCKING POST SOMETHING". Anyway, excuses!

The way I see it, pretty much every blog on the NetTubes has taken a leave of absence recently. Well, so did we. We were really busy... we were like... at GDC! Yeah, that's where we were! Yup, living it up. Large. Trust me when I tell you, it was some fucking experience. A whirlwind of debate from the most prominent thinkers in the industry. Physically exhausting. You know you're in for a good time when you're headed to Geoff's Deli Counter.

Geoff's a real stand up guy... insofar that he is standing up in this picture

Man, Geoff has got some big ideas. Seriously, he sees this industry as the bland, commercial landscape it really is. Full of Deli Owners content with shovelling out the same boring panini's that they have for decades. Afraid of doing anything that shies away from the social requisite. Geoff - he's got vision. He knows - he told me.

"Séan, " he said. "If, in 10 years, this Deli is the same as it is now, we're fucked."

A truly chilling prophecy. His sandwiches aren't too bad either.

In Space No One Can Hear You Squee

2010-02-06T16:17:00.028Z

There aren't many videogames that can make (force) me to experience the Kübler-Ross model so in that respect alone Mass Effect 2 is a particularly memorable romp.

The original Mass Effect was also unique in that I was willing to grant it the highly coveted "Casey Merit Badge of Feigned Major Flaw Ignorance" - a rare and shiny certificate that legitimately allows me to declare something "One of My Favourite Games of All Time" despite the fact that its combat is placid and clinical; textures pop in roughly three days behind schedule; turgid elevator journeys have replaced fully acceptable loading screens; any mission that isn't part of the main quest takes place on a bland mess of geography; you traverse said topography in a jet-powered jeep made of jelly; said jeep can't fire on anything on a plane even slighly lower than itself and the inventory system makes me feel like going to sleep... forever.

Ugh... and this is from the improved PC version *shiver*

It earned this badge because well - despite all that... it was delicious. Adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon. Wholesome, Bioware-baked RPG cake - the like of which I hadn't absorbed for years. The voice acting was a soothing remedy for the perils experienced at the hands of whatever evil fuckery Bethesda inflicts on their voice actors. The plot and writing was NOT shit, which is still a difficult thing to find these days. Sure, the crew had a few weak spots here and there (I'm looking at you, the thankfully late Kaidan "Carth" Alenko) - but overall Bioware managed (again - the cheeky bastards) to put me in charge of people I generally gave a toss about.

Mass Effect 2 really does credit to the word "sequel". It irons out every, single, God damn thing that was wrong with the first one while improving every, single, God damn thing that was good in the first one. The elevators are replaced with loading screens; the MAKO is dead; side missions are original and unpredictable, usually involving a fleshed out, self contained story; the inventory system is piss-easy; combat actually resembles a shooter and Kaidan is dead (if you let him die)!

Wow, it's almost like a game this time!

Thoughts of the old crew quickly dissipated when presented with the ragtag loveliness of the new bunch - even Jacob turned out to be remotely interesting. Oh, and Garrus has a robot half-jaw - so that's an improvement.

Ah, the crew. There lies the most powerful element in the entire game. I Care - with a capital LOVE - about these people. More so than anything I have ever played, watched or read. Using a process I can only perceive as some kind of -mancy, Bioware has made me feel personally and uniquely attached to and responsible for these people, not to mention make me feel that I have sole ownership of a ship that millions of other people are flying around a million other galaxies. It is scathingly beautiful to learn that the aliens and robots in Mass Effect 2 are infinitely more human than your standard videogame protagonist. If Marcus Fenix badly wrote himself into this universe he would find himself given a Dunce cap and told to sit in the corner.

He broke a window in my cargo bay and never apoligised.

This sense of attachment reached its pinnacle not more than twelve hours ago. Having forced myself into not glimpsing at a single FAQ - I went into the subtly titled "Suicide Mission" with the intention of playing it by ear. Letting my incredible command skills get my entire crew through the gauntlet unscathed. I purchased every upgrade. I gained the loyalty of every single character. I knew Miranda wasn't talking to me ever since I told her I prefer skin-head biotics to Michael Jackson lookalikes - but I thought if I kept her in my immediate squad she'd get through okay.

So, the sticky bastards blow 'oles in ma' ship - hijack me' crew and bugger off. I set off after them through that relay like a really snappy analogy, safe in the knowledge that I would save them all... and I wasn't doing it for the Achievement.

What a complete fucking bloodbath.

Assuming that brute strength and weapon damage was the deciding factor in this hootenanny - I put Grunt in charge of the Fire Team (he was a Krogan and had a big gun) and shoved Legion through a molten vent to hack the door (he was made of metal and his brain is a computer). Everything was going shiny. We blasted our way through Horde after Horde, thinking noting could go wrong. Then we reach the door and shit gets real. During what is easily the most unbearably tense, eye-gougingly uncontrollable cutscene I have ever been forced to sit through (the door slides shut millimetre by millimetre) a living wave of ex-prothean flesh smashes into my squad. It's been a long time since I've literally jumped up shouting "GET AWAY FROM THE FUCKING DOOR! FOR FUCKS SAKE GET AWAY FROM THE FUCKING DOOR! LEGION! I'LL FUCKING HOLD THEM THE FUCK OFF! LEGION, FUCKING GET THROUGH THE FUCKING DOOR! LEGION! LEGION! FUCKING NOW!".

Bang.

Dead.

Forever.

Not even a weepy, dying, arm held gasp.

"LEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGIIIOOONNNN!!!"

It sucked. Hard. It sucked as badly as when Grunt gets shot in similar circumstances not ten minutes later. I'm feeling a lot less heroic. You could say I feel like a useless sack of shit. The fact that I survived the assault made it even worse. I'm not being soppy - but I was genuinely prepared to let Séan Shepard die if the rest of the team could live. But no. Legion and Grunt died. Miranda - the only one I was worried about - came out of that ship with scarcely a hair out of place. This was horrible - I needed someone to blame.

At first I denied it had even happened. That as the credits threatened to roll, Legion and Grunt would show up in an escape pod. A bit bloodied but otherwise breathing. When that didn't happen I moved on to anger. I blamed everyone but myself. I even blamed Bioware for tying the fates of my crew into an arbitrary, invisible yes/no system that was impossible to ascertain in advance. Then I told myself - it was no biggie. A quick scan of an FAQ and a file reload could bring them back for the dead. But no. I am not willing to cheapen the demise of two of my men by utilising an ability mere mortals do not posses.

What stage of grief am I at now? Depression. In case you hadn't noticed. Hopefully, soon enough I can reach acceptance. I can promise myself that in MY Mass Effect universe - Legion and Grunt died during an assault on the Collector home world. They died because their cocksure Commander thought that a bigger gun was more important than leadership skills. This save will be the one that I bring with me in Mass Effect 3, as well as the faces of those I murdered by quick thinking. I'll do this to give Bioware the salute they deserve for doing what Peter Molyneux can only bullshit about.

For the fallen.

The Robo-Kindergarten-Cop and iPad

2010-01-27T20:45:00.006Z

I just want to start this post off by saying that I think the iPad looks pretty cool, it is the closest thing to a Starfleet pad that we have got so far, in fact, I think it may be more advanced than those, so at least we have something futuristic. The coolest thing about it, apart from it being shiny and stylish, is that i could imagine having the thing hooked up to a screen wirelessly and doing some sort of presentation on it, highlighting text, drawing little notes, that sort of thing on this pad in your hands while everyone is sitting at the conference table going ooh, future, kind of like something out of minority report i guess, although not as much as project fatal mistake.

The long awaited Media Multi-Verse Crisis War is about to begin, reality will shift and things will happen that really shouldn't...

The Robo-Kindergarten-Cop - Detective John Kimble is back, and this time it is most definitely personal, he has been assigned to track down Clarence Boddicker who the police believe may be trying to find his ex-wife and their son "Junior".

Kimble infiltrates the boys school and becomes the Kintergarten Cop once again, he is partnered with Anne Lewis who has been recently transfered from Detroit to help Kimble catch Clarence. Clarence eventually shows and is able to kidnap Junior but Kimble pursues him and is able to corner him in an alley. However, Clarence has lured Kimble here and a gang of his thugs lie in wait, he gives the word and Kimble is blasted into a mess of red corn syrup and paper mache. Clarence and his thugs depart with the kid and Anne finds Kimble barely alive in the alley. Kimble is declared dead in hospital, but several weeks later rumours begin to spread throughout the police force that a new project is underway, the project is named Project Robo-Kindergarten-Cop.

Kimbles body is implanted with the latest in robotic cybernetics and nanotechnology to create the ultimate police officer, his programming is governed by three directives: say "Halt, you..", Kill Perp and finally say "are under arrest". He is sent back to the school where it turns out Junior has been brought home and Clarence has given up his life of crime, he apologises to RKC and even invites him to a celebration in his honour, a party. RKC doesn't back down so easily though, he pulls out his absrudly large hand cannon and before you know it, Clarence is a puddle on the floor, "See you at the party Clarence!" he smugly quotes. Junior is sent into a state of permanent shock and terror as the pieces of his father cover the walls, but RKC reassures him, "If you ever need me, I'll be back...".

RKC leaves the school to save more lives and is suddenly sucked into a tear in the space-time continuum, where will our story go, only time will tell, so...goodnight, and goodluck.

Really?

2010-01-27T19:20:00.004Z

Really Apple?

Reeeeeaaaaly?

Who the fuck is this for?

Seriously - answer me - who the fuck do you think is going to buy this?!

Apple: Roughly 250,000,000 people.

Me: ... shut up.

p.s. proper post incoming

UPDATE: IT HAS NO USB PORTS?!

NO USB PORTS!?!?!

... WHO IS THIS FOR?!

REEAAAARRRRGGGHHH!

Wonderboy's Triple Trailer Tour de Force of Twenty Ten!

2010-01-24T21:48:00.003Z

The hour is late and I fear that If I do not tell the world about these 3 trailers before my time is up, then all hope may be lost, for the soldiers at Sector Haven have all but been slain and now the demons march on the fortress...

...wait, what?

Sorry about that, I have just finished Bayonetta(Super Stylish)and Darksiders(Apocalypse, Nuff Said) so I am in a kind of Demons and Angels kind of mood I guess, or did I really travel to an alternate dimension where Hell and Heaven are fighting an endless war on earth, only time will tell.

So, here is the rundown of my favourite 3 trailers for movies of this year!

3)The A-Team

2)Kick-Ass

1)Clash of the Titans

Yeah, so there they are, I hope you noticed that two of these star Liam Neeson. I am really looking forward to seeing more from Sam Worthington and I am sure that all three of these movies will... Kick-Ass!

As an aside, I invite Jamie and to a lesser extent Sean to post something, there has to be something interesting you can provide the readers, no?

Wonderboy's Massively Malevolent Trailer of Massive Effect...2

2010-01-06T22:04:00.004Z

Before I get to the rundown of best trailer for 2010, I thought I would put up this amazing little number from the awesome guys who brought you that SW:TOR cinematic trailer. It is pretty cool, and shows off some of the characters pretty well, Grunt and Thane, Whoop!

Yeah, so bring on Mass Effect 2, my second most anticipated title of 2010, and it comes out in 3 weeks!

also, SPOILER WARNING!

(Courtesy of Brad Shoemaker of Giant Bomb)If you didn't kill Wrex in ME1 then when you go to the Krogan homeworld in ME2 he is now the king of all Krogan...Shepard.

ESND : The final one of these, they don't seem to add anything special, I could just finish off my posts with some kind of trademark phrase, how about... We aim to digress?

Come... Gather 'round the Techno-Fire

2010-01-02T17:54:00.019Z

C'mere you young pups - 'mere over to your Grandad and he'll tell you some darn 'tooting stories! Woo - whee! I gotta tells ya - back in ma youth I dint have me even the slightest inklin that I'd reach the shiny ol' day of January 1st 2057! Man - we got us some kerazy shit in these 'ere parts! How about them fanshy throat implantsh that let's ee speak with a Southern drawl at the flip of a switch! *flips throat-switch to "off" position* Most exhilarating!

I spent the advent of the year 2010 bemoaning the apparent lack of significant progress in the "cool sci-fi shit" department during the passing decade. I did this while manipulating a virtual man trapped in a TV screen which displays more detail than the human eye can notice. Then I continued said bemoaning with others spread across the globe without the assistance of wires - by using a service which can be effectively described as an untempered, uncensored ethereal database which contains every single shred of human knowledge which can be simultaneously accessed and edited by billions of people at a time.. Then I had a Pop Tart. That shit be cool too, yo.

How many films had I seen that opened with "It is the year 2005..." or "In the first years of the 21st Century" which featured giant fucking robots or hoverboards n' shit? Then - all of a sudden - there it was. 2010. It was easy to bemoan the lack of progress when you grew up expecting to have your own pet dinosaur by the time you were eighteen. You don't notice progress when you're travelling relevant to the causal nexus - know what I mean? The only way the future seems like the future is if you go there from the past - otherwise it just feels like what it is - the Present. What's wrong, Séan Jr. Jr. - what's with the confused look? Go get your Grandad another whiskey!

So anyway, there we were - ringing in the New Year with some co-op zombie killing and some really shit lager when it hit us like Jackson Pollock hitting a tree - we were gonna be 20 soon (Jamie first). Needless to say - existentialism ensued.

"Dude, kids who are - like - 11, weren't alive when Final Fantasy VII came out"

"Whooooaaaaaaa..."

That's the problem with living in a self-contained social bubble where your only frame of reference is release dates - time starts moving really fucking fast. Ten years might seem irrelevant to you folks but to people like me - who measures progress by polygon counts - it's like "HOLY SHIT, YOU WENT FROM A PRIMARY COLOURED, SPIKY HAIRED BUFFOON TO A LIFE LIKE CGI NINJA IN LESS THAN A DECADE!"

When you're using the release of Kingdom Hearts II to work out your age you know you're in trouble.

So yeah, we came a hell of a way in ten years - but we still didn't solve the big problems. We seemed to have spent slightly more money on talent show votes than research into nuclear fusion and we still seem to have a penchant for bombing the living, screaming, begging, defenceless, infantile SHIT out of each other, but hey - how 'bout them Phone Watches?! Holy pisswhistles - that's as close to a CODEX that I'm willing to go!

Well - I've seen a lot of crazy stuff since that day back at the start of 2010. I've seen the death of television; The Frosties Kid redefine music on the 2015 Charts Show; the audience of 'Britain's Got Talent 2023' tear Piers Morgan limb from limb; attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. All of it doesn't change the fact that there is one thing... literally - one thing, the only thing that can save humanity from itself - first contact with a peaceful alien race.

Here's hoping that the signal detected near Ursa Minor heralds that event. Here's hoping that the first, garbled transmission we were sent represents an outreached hand. Here's hoping that my favourite grandson - Séan Jr. Jr. will be there (all grown up) doing what I couldn't - being the first journalist on the scene. Everyone, raise your glasses to those visitors from the stars! Raise them to those beings whose name is the only thing we know of them! Raise them for a shining future! Raise them for the Jordax!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Totally Addicted to Pace

2009-12-27T13:57:00.013Z

Borderlands - when you get right down to it - is pretty frikkin great. It doesn't have an incredible cast of voice actors - nor does it contain a plot of particular interest or artistic merit. It is a game where you shoot things. Rather frequently in fact. When you shoot these things you become more proficient... in the shooting of things. As far as game design is concerned this is a pretty fucking radical direction.

Many games these days seem to utilise this "shooting things" paradigm but rarely does there seem a point in doing so. In Modern Warfare 2, why was I shooting things? Well - the basic sensation of shooting a things I suppose but that's hardly a new experience. It certainly wasn't for the story. Christ, when it comes to the First Person Shooter I'm hardly ever doing it to see the story. After so many years of the same basic pattern, the same basic story and the same basic gameplay it is so overwhelmingly refreshing to play something as unpretentious and bare-boned as Borderlands. This is for the same reason that I've sank many more hours into EDF: 2017 than Gears of War 2.

Borderlands is a game that knows its place. It knows it was never likely to create a story worth shooting things for. What it does know is that the shooting of things is what's really important to that staple of the gaming diet - the FPS. By wrapping the simple and instantly gratifying act of gun-play around the frame of a Diablo-esque grind-fest, Gearbox has crafted a game that is constantly exhilarating - even when trudging back and forth between two featureless sheds in a featureless desert to claim your reward in dispatching yet another group of generic, apocalyptic bandits.

Every shot - and I mean every shot - contributes in some small way. Whether it be a kill towards a bounty quest, looting a shiny weapon, experience towards a level up, a minuscule increase in weapon proficiency or even just a couple of bucks and a round of ammo - every single shot you take means it's going to be more satisfying the next time you take a shot. If I can do all that in the company of friends - all the better. Suddenly, I don't care if the game doesn't feature Mindblowing Set Pieces (TM) or Visceral Gameplay (TM). All the Hans Zimmer in the world isn't going to alter the fact that once I've killed that first Insurgent I may as well have killed every Insurgent.

Thar be a lot of mouth-flapping around these 'ere parts concerning pacing in videogames. Usually, it seems that when people refer to pacing in a videogame they're referring to it in the same context as film. While this certainly applies to the more cinematic games out there - the Uncharted's and the Metal Gear's - this comparison seems wholly inappropiate when describing the basic device which distributes fun in most videogames. Pacing for me is about the regular distribution of power and gameplay features during the length of the game.

It's the melee combat in Crackdown - going from a puny mall guard who hits like a fly swatter to a hulking, law keeping behemoth capable of punching cars through the atmosphere. It's going from a Van de Graff generator in inFamous to an electrical demigod who could bitch-slap Raiden himself. It's going from a terrified EDF volunteer scarcely able to survive being sneezed on by an ant to a Homing Missile-armed badass capable of nonchalantly whistling his way out of a mushroom cloud. Likewise - with Borderlands it's all about jumping off the bus with a rusty peashooter gripped in you shaking fist and turning yourself into a cool, calm and thoroughly collected wastelander wielding a luminscient firearm that can melt your fucking soul.

All in all - this whole RPG x FPS things works a treat - but let's not all start doing it, hmm? I might just end up craving something like Modern Warfare 2 if every FPS from here on had an obligatory XP system bolted on.

... what's that about MW2's multiplayer?!

Laugh... and Grow Fat!

2009-12-27T13:20:00.007Z

Hurmph. It appears that for some inexplicable, undesirable and downright dangerous reason it has been left to me to deliver the obligatory declaration of happiness that - by law - is required by everything with a pulse this time of the year. Quite why you'd leave such a task in the calloused hands of a husk like myself is beyond my comprehension - seriously, you might as well ask Nietzsche to bake the fucking Birthday cake.

So... I HOPE YOU HAD A MERRY CHRISTMAS. I also hope that any feelings of joy experienced during the course of whichever winter celebration in which you partook are sufficiently replicated during the advent of the New Year.

... and they said that I was incapable of displaying love and human interest. Hurmph.

The AoD Award Show : Part 3

2009-12-21T21:19:00.006Z

And...here...we...go! (SPOILER WARNING)

Greatest Final Boss!

Nominees -
- The Battle Pope : Assassins Creed 2
- Kessler : InFamous
- Albert Wesker : RE5

Winner -
- The Battle Pope : Assassins Creed 2

- Because he is the Pope, and you fight him in Vatican City with your bare fists!

Most Unconventional Yet Deadly Weapon!

Nominees -
- Clementine : Brutal Legend
- The RYNO V : R&C: A Crack in Time
- Nathan Drakes Ego : Uncharted 2

Winner -
-The RYNO V : R&C: A Crack in Time

- Because as is made clear in R&C, this sucker could end all life in the universe and so is one of the few weapons capable of dampening Nathan Drakes spirit, plus its HUGE!

Greatest Form of Transport!

Nominees -
- Electrified Rails : InFamous
- Sticks + Fabric = Flying Machine : Assassins Creed 2
- The Deuce aka The Druid Plow : Brutal Legend

Winner -
-Electrified Rails : Infamous

- Because it feels awesome to ride those rails on foot and out of the nominees, it is probably the fastest if you take scale into account, but I bet it hurts like a bitch!

Worst Celebrity Appearance!

Nominees -
- John Rhys Davies : Risen
- Andy Serkis : Risen
- Lena Headey : Risen

Winner -
- Risen

- Because I convinved myself that Risen wasn't that bad and that the voice acting was passable, I lied to myself and so did those three nominees. Why were they in that awful game!

Greatest Movie Game(Not That This Means Much)!

Nominees -
- James Cameron's Avatar
- Wanted : Weapons of Fate
- Wolverine : Uncaged Edition

Winner -
- Wanted : Weapons of Fate

- Because despite how awesome Wolverine losing his skin and muscles are, Wanted was actually a pretty good game, it made you feel cool, and it was alot of fun, I played through it numerous times and it showed once again that if you want to make a good movie game, don't rush it out for the movie launch!

Best Not-A-Game(Movie) Award!

Nominees -
- Star Trek
- James Camerons Avatar
- District 9

Winner -
- Star Trek

- Because District 9 was a truly original Sci-Fi movie and Avatar was amazing yet oddly indescribable and yet they weren't Star Trek, I went to see Star Trek 3 times in the cinema, I have now watched it about 15 times in total, it is just brilliant everytime I watch it, It has something about it that just makes me smile, every joke, every line, every cast member, it just all fits together in an incredible package!

Best Important Character Death That Didn't Stick Long!

Nominees -
- Ratchet : R&C : A Crack in Time
- Ophelia : Brutal Legend
- The Villians : Batman : Arkham Asylum

Winner -
-Racthet : R&C : A Crack in Time

- Because it was so obvious that Clank was gonna go back in time and stop it, I mean he was standing on a Time Machine(Well, kind of Time Machine) when he died!

Most Awesome Game Trailer(VGAs)!

Nominees -
- Star Wars The Force Unleashed 2 - Starkiller is Back!
- Batman : Arkham Asylum 2 - Wow, that Titan Serum really messed Joker up!
- Halo : Reach - Hmm, those guys are all cooler than Master Chief!

Winner -
- Star Wars The Force Unleashed 2 - Starkiller is Back!

- Because I really enjoyed the first game and will buy almost anything with Star Wars stuck on the front and love it, plus I really like Sam Witwer who is an awesome actor playing one of the best Expanded Universe characters in a really good video game story. Plus a schizophrenic Vader/Yoda coversation combined with fighting a monster that size has to win!

Worst Game I Played This Year and Never Want a Sequel!

Nominees -
- Risen
- Dynasty Warriors 6 : Empires
- Divinity 2 : Ego Draconis

Winner -
- Risen

- Because several weeks after its release, I was still playing it for some reason, and them Dragon Age arrived at my door and instantly Risen was forgotten and I realised that it was absolutely dreadful, it was a waste of time and money, it wasn't good in anyt way, why did I enjoy playing this terrible game, WHY?

Best Game I Played This Year and Now Want the Sequel!

Nominees -
- Uncharted 2 : Among Thieves
- Batman : Arkham Asylum
- InFamous
- Assassins Creed 2
- Dragon Age : Origins

Winner -
- All of These!

- Because I am a cheater and this is my blog, meaning I can do what I want, but seriously, I really want to see InFamous the most, just because it could really go far into some interesting stuff!

ESND - Well, thats my awards out of the way, I now ask that Sean put up some kind of Sum Up post and a Merry Christmas/New Year thing!

Awards!!!

2009-12-21T19:10:00.005Z

Best Beard Progression

Nominees:
Batman, Batman Arkham Asylum
Ezio Auditore de Firenze, Assassins Creed 2
Eddie Riggs, Brütal Legend

Winner:
Batman

This was a hard decision for me and my fictional panel of Beard Experts (Chewbacca, Gimli and Lemmy ). This year really has been poor for facial hair development. After hours of bickering we were left with three choices.
We eventually agreed the winner should be based on growth speed. Batman was the clear winner here. Although he technically didn’t grow a full beard, he had grown a rather admirable amount of stubble in a few hours whereas Ezio’s took well over 20 years and Eddie’s was added through DLC…

Best Hair Care

Nominees:
Nathan Drake, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Alistair, Dragon Age Origins
General Lionwhyte, Brütal Legend

Winner:
Nathan Drake

Seriously, where does this guy get his hair gel? Waterfalls, rivers, high speed vehicle chases and not a single hair out of place.

Most Abusive Character In A Party Based Game Who Uses The Alter Ego “The Green Goblin”

Nominees:
Norman Osbourne/ The Green Goblin, Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2
Norman Osbourne/ The Green Goblin, Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2
Norman Osbourne/ The Green Goblin, Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2

Winner:
The Green Goblin

“Aw, this guys quite crap. Pumpkin Bombs are poor, Gas bombs are piss. Napalms great though.
Wonder what happens if I double jump? HOLY SHIT!!! KNEEL BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE GOBLIN!!!”

Best Inclusion Of A Megadeth Song In A Video Game

Nominees:
High Speed Dirt, Brütal Legend
Sweating Bullets, Guitar Hero 5
Yellow Submarine, Beatles Rock Band

Winner:
Yellow Submarine

Wow! Who’d have thought such a mediocre and completely unimportant band like the Beatles could do such an awesome cover of a Megs Song?

Scariest Moment

Nominees:
Realising you were on the last level of Brutal Legend mere hours after beggining. Brutal Legend
Pete Venhkman corridor scene, Ghostbusters: The Game
Finding out your main Christmas present is Guitar Hero 5, Jamie Ferrier: The Game

Winner:

Jamie Ferrier: The Game

Oh fuck...fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Anyone wanna swap a plastic guitar for cancer?

Prestigion!

2009-12-20T13:30:00.031Z

Yes, it's that time of the year again folks! What better way to celebrate a year of broken promises and laughable blog traffic than doling out barely-sought after awards? Let the Yuletide spirit commence! You don't need us to tell you what 'Game of the Year' was - let's face it, you probably have your own mind made up and if you haven't, I'm sure you can find another publication with a little more weight behind it to make it up for you. So, allow me to introduce the first (and let's face it, probably last) Annual Acts of Digression Awards Ceremony... Thing! Yay!

The ceremony consists of thirty awards (constructed from the finest Muesli boxes in all the land). There are three categories each consisting of ten awards - The Casey Awards, The Paton Awards and the Ferrier Awards. If you're looking for a helpful comparison, think of the Casey's as the equivalent of an Oscar; the Paton's are your Teen Choice Awards and the Ferrier is the equivalent of one of those "Worlds Best Mum" mugs you get.

Least Convincing Humanoid Guise Assumed by a Gelatinous Entity of the Year

Winner: Assassins Creed 2

Oh sure, the environments are stunning and the animation is incredible but deep down - you and I both know - the creatures inhabiting the world of Assassins Creed II are far from human. They lack facial registration of emotion even when faced with the murder of family members. They kick Leonardo DaVinci in the stomach in a very unconvincing manner. What is their intent? I know not. All I know is... THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! YOU'RE NEXT! YOU'RE NEXT! YOU'RE NEXT!

The Carth Onasi Award

Winner: Dragon Age Origins - Alistair

Bioware are just hot off their success with Kaidan Alenko as the party member you never use. It's incredible to think that here they are, receiving this award all over again. He tries to be funny, but he also bitches at you about slaughtering children. What a pussy! Screw him, the pooch is taking his place in MY roster.

Biggest Heartbreak at the Loss of a Minor Character Award

Winner: Uncharted 2 - Jeff

For Nathan Drake, it was love at first sight. Oh, how he and Jeff flirted! Years of sexual repression hidden by a layer of misogyny and womanising suddenly washed away in a single, glorious moment! They had one walk together - Drake wrapping his thick, warm arms around Jeff as they squirmed their way out of a drizzled warzone - before his life was cruelly taken by a Serbian madman. *sniff* Thanks for the input... Jeff.

Best Testicle-based Assault Committed by a Costumed Vigilante of the Year

Winner: Batman: Arkham Asylum

Biff! Baff! Crack! Burst! Squirt! I don't know about you, but my (I like to think) above-average knowledge of the history of The Dark Knight leads me with the impression that the being that murdered Bruce Wayne's parents was a human being - not a testicle. So why is it that during his horrible, over-night stay at Arkham he felt a pressing need to punish the testicles of escapees rather than the escapees themselves? Who knows - but it certainly seem that Rocksteady's combat engine was built from the ground up to allow the Caped Crusader to carry out his own brand of testicular justice.

Mission Objective of the Year

Winner: The Wheelman - "Get the Astra"

Some games order you to blow up that submarine or hijack that helicopter. Some games ask you kindly to cave in some blokes skull with his own golf club. Not The Wheelman. No - Vin knows you don't want to do anything exciting, original or exotic. You want to get the Vauxhall Astra. Go on, get that fucking Astra.

The "Where the Fuck Did My Life Go?" Award

Winner: Fallout 3

Seriously. That many hours? Are you kidding me? Jesus, I've spent more time in the Capital Wasteland than I have breathing.

The "Wait a second...This Isn't Dragon Age: Origins!" Award

Winner: Risen

Let's face it, this sack of mediocrity isn't going to get any other award. Let it have this. The only person I know who purchased it hasn't even seen the box since Dragon Age came out.

The "Fuck it! I'll Buy The Goddamn Thing!" Award

Winner: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Okay, fine are you FUCKING HAPPY? Can you stop talking to me about the epic perk layout you took for a test run last night? Go back to talking about Twilight and Facebook - at least with those I know there isn't even the slightest chance in hell that you'll annoy me enough to participate.

Most Graphic Method Utilised in the Murder of Clifford Bleszinski Featured in A Daydream

Winner: Cucumber Violation

Because nothing says Merry Christmas like a cucumbis sativus caked in the brains of the man responsible for the "Dom's Wife" subplot in Gears of War 2. *phone rings* What's that? That was Joshua Ortega's fault? ... I'm sure Cliffy B had something to do with it. I stand by my principles. He deserved to have that gourd forcibly inserted into that orifice.

Most Broken Promises & Penny Arcade Plagiarisms Made by an Obscure Blog

Winner: Acts of Digression

Oh wow, there's just so many people to thank. First, I'd like to thank my parents and of course my agent...

Blog, VGAs and Galen Mareks Return?

2009-12-15T00:44:00.004Z

alright, first off, want to apologise for the extreme lack of content, despite promises to the the contrary, I really don't think reviews are what we should be doing, because frankly, with everything going on right now, education, work, Christmas, I don't think any of us want to spend time playing through an entire game and then writing about how you should or shouldn't buy it, by the time we have finished a game and written a review, you could of found a review online, from say www.giantbomb.com (plug!) about a week before so, I think we should retain our former status as "A Haven for Non-sensical Ravings" because frankly, that's what we are best at and Reviews and such are too structured, too...sensical.

Great, so now we have that out of the way just wanted to say that I watched the VGAs live on Saturday night, and it was actually pretty cool, much better than last year and with some great celebrity appearances, but the best stuff was the world premiere trailers for some stuff that sounds great. Trailers for Arkham Asylum 2, True Crime 3, Spec Ops: Cool Dubai Apocalypse, Halo: Reach: Badass Music Cue and of course...

The trailer for the new Star Wars game, which is not Star Wars Battlefront 3, but it is very welcome, Galen Marek or Starkiller as he is more commonly know is set to make his return in Star Wars The Force Unleashed 2, how did he survive?, what is this arena?, two lightsabers!, YODA?

all of these questions will be answered in LATE 2010, but until any real info comes out, here is the trailer, which was presented in the most badass way by the most badass motherfucker around, Samuel L. Jackson!

ESND : Sometime this week, we are all going to see Avatar, and we will discuss our own Game of the Year awards, because we don't care about Best Shooter or Best Studio, we care about Best Cape and Best Explosion!

- After the new year, Wonderboys Trailers will make an EPIC return with slightly more structure, a rundown of the 5 best trailers for films coming in 2010, whoop!

Prick us, do we not bleed - wrong us, shall we not revenge?!

2009-11-21T23:24:00.004Z

I would first like to thank Sean for the great service he did with his guide to trek movies, although I do have a few niggling complaints...

ST: TMP - Don't Watch This!

ST : WOK - If you don't watch this I will chase you round the moons if Nibia and round the Antares Maelstrom and round Perdition's Flames before I give you up!

ST : SFS - Watch for Christopher Lloyd Klingon and the greatest acting that William Shatner has ever performed(Klingon bastards you killed my son!)

ST : TVH - Watch this because it is a hilarious family comedy, its the one you loved as the kid and so can't help but love it a little unless you're Sean

ST: TFF - Shatner vs God vs Sybok... Oh Sybok...

ST : TUC - This film is constant as the northern star!

...but Sean was right about all of the Next Gen films although Nemesis can be enjoyed by people who don't like Star Trek, I know!

ESND -I am hereby claiming Assassins Creed 2 for review purposes, so far... its good and I will probably do a little review of Ratchet OR Clank which doesn't need much said about it, its the best R&C game to date and possibly the last.

Jamie you bloodsucker, sometimes I think you might post something on this one day, sometimes you try, but like a poor marksmen you keep missing the target...

JAMIE... JAMMIIEE!

Katie Price Attacked by Beastly Rap Artist

2009-11-20T14:26:00.006Z

I know this isn't a review of 'Dragon Age: Origins' but trust me... this deviation is worth it. I happened upon a disturbing phenomenon during a recent Google-fest - an incident with implications so spine-chilling and mortally unnerving I hesitate to recount it. Fortunately, I managed to break through my terror for long enough to attain the following screen-grab.

It appears that upon the input of the word "who" followed shortly thereafter by the letter "r" Google takes the opportunity to inform the user that the species it belongs to is currently suffering a kind of linguistic degenerative disease. This is in no doubt an effort by the millions needed to bump a phrase to "auto complete" status to correctly identify the rapist of a one Katie Price - a task this group apparently feels is unattainable by both the police and the victim herself. I'm not here to offer my opinion on this Price organism - a being who apparently sees even sexual violation as media fodder to be stored for later use whenever she isn't featured in her desired number of pages in 'The Sun'. Nor am I here to criticise her for treating a subject which affects huge numbers of people with a degree of frivolity and nonchalance.

I'm just here to say... you know - raped isn't a particularly difficult word to spell. However, I do commend the people responsible for this for lowering the Rap Artist to the same level of a Rapist - hopefully this confusion will soon reach the courts and it won't be long till we see the likes of Lil Wayne finally being sentenced to prison for his horrible actions towards women. Soon, every rapper in the country will be off the streets and safely behind bars, leaving the world - once more - safe for our children. It is high time these monsters were brought to justice.

That's all folks - I'm heading back to Google.

The Newcomers Guide to 'Star Trek' Movies

2009-11-20T11:20:00.010Z

So, you enjoyed the new Star Trek movie, huh? Well done – so did I. Maybe you didn’t have much Trek experience before hand? Maybe you weren’t even aware that the new film was technically called ‘Star Trek XI’? That’s right – there are eleven of them now. You didn’t know that? Oh, that’s okay! I can’t blame you! Before now Star Trek was about as stuffy, pretentious and stagnant as you could possibly imagine. But you liked the new one? Maybe you’re thinking about picking up some of the past movies? I see Paramount have just released I-X in a Blu-Ray boxset – and it’s in a SHINY BOX! Maybe you’ll see this next time you’re in HMV... maybe you’ll think “What? There’s another ten of those movies?! I shall purchase this!” It’s £120, but Zachary Quinto was damn hot, right?! You can’t put a price on that level of hotness (even if he is gay)! Halt, citizen! I’m here to warn you! While I congratulate you for attempting to catch up on your ‘Star Trek’ I must advise that the overwhelming majority of these movies are certainly not worth seeing, much less purchasing on Blu-ray. I’ll walk you through it...

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) – 2001: Space Odyssey was still considered hot shit back then so it was only natural that every film studio in the following decade attempted to break into the pretentious, thematic science-fiction movie market. Unfortunately, Paramount decided to kill two birds with one stone – produce a ‘Star Trek’ movie and to produce a 2001 rip-off. As a result, this film contains a fifteen minute acid trip where Spock floats through the innards of a giant, sentient spaceship which is revealed to be the alien modified Voyager 6 Earth space probe lost in the 20th century. Some guy merges with it and a whole bunch of other shit – avoid like the plague.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) – Purchase this – now. You can actually consider it a sequel to the 2009 ‘Star Trek’ if you want. A kick-ass revenge story featuring explosions and a constantly shouting William Shatter – this film has pretty much everything. Spock dies and Hollywood suddenly discovers it has the power to now make both genders burst into tears. Oh, and it features the naked chest of Ricardo Montalbán – which is worth the purchase alone.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984) – Okay, so Spock dies but now he’s better. It’s a bit of a copout to say the least. It’s like a feature-length version of ‘Spock’s Brain’ – one of the really bad episodes of ‘The Original Series’ dragged out to 105 minutes. It gets points for featuring the first “OMG, THE ENTERPRISE BLEW UP: (” moment – something which would then happen on a pretty much weekly basis. Still, you don’t really need to see this.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986) – You should know that once you’re churning out sequels on a bi-yearly basis – something terrible is bound to eventually occur. This ‘Something Terrible’ happened to take the form of something that almost falls into self-parody – the crew travel back in time to San Francisco circa 1986. They’re on a mission to take a whale back to the future because these pissed-off Space Whales in a flying deodorant can dry up the Earth’s oceans in the future – they’re all like “Shooooom – where are the whalez we left herez?” and we’re all like “Sorry buddy, they dead! We made them extinct!” and then the whales are all totally like “Shooooom! You have made us angry! You must send William Shatner back in time and bring us whale!” and we’re all like “Aww, okay Mr. Angry Space Whale”. The list of horrible meant-to-be-funny moments are almost too numerous to put down here - Spock nerve-pinches a punk on the bus after he gives Spock the finger; Scotty attempts to talk to an Apple MACINTOSH Plus; Chekov starts taking the “funny Russian accent” a tad too far; Nuclear Wessles; transparent aluminium; “there be whales here”; ugh... The Enterprise is in it for roughly .68 seconds. Don’t even watch it ironically.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) – William Shatner versus God. That is all I have to say on the matter – whether or not this is something you wish to see I’ll leave entirely at your discretion.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991) – Okay, a lot of people seem to like this one. I’m going to put this down to shock induced by the fact that this is the last entry starring the original crew. To be honest... yeah, it is pretty good. The girdles may have reached breaking point; the villain may have quoted Shakespeare 657 times a minute – but he did have a fucking eye patch bolted to his skull. WITH BOLTS. Make that FUCKING BOLTS. The eye-patch was FUCKING BOLTED TO HIS FUCKING SKULL! Kirk gets into fisticuffs with an alien, McCoy turns the misanthropy to eleven and Uhura gets to show off her incredible mastery of the Klingon language one last time. It feels like a best-bits compilation of ‘The Original Series’ and as such serves a pretty decent send-off to the crew of the USS Enterprise-A.

Star Trek VII: Generations (1994) – The first film featuring ‘The Next Generation’ crew will forever go down as history as... the very first ‘Star Trek’ movie not to have “the” in the title. This one came out during the heated days where “Picard vs. Kirk”, “Riker vs. Spock” and “Geordie vs. Scotty” arguments were still all the rage and comes across as crappy fan-fiction. Kirk gets trapped in a weird time-space Nexus and the bad guy is... doing something bad. Picard gets stuck in the Nexus too and him and Kirk team up to save the day. This one features the first time humour has been used to appropriate effect in the ‘Star Trek’ series when Malcom McDowell kills the shit out of William Shatner (funnily enough, the only genuinely permanent main character death in ‘Star Trek’ history)! I was heartbroken as I realised that... actually, I didn’t much care. Just as long as Patrick Stewart was okay.

Star Trek VIII: First Contact (1996) – Picard has to deal with his personal demons... which unfortunately happens to be an army of time-travelling Borg infesting the Enterprise – hell bent on preventing mankind’s accomplishment of faster than light travel, thereby preventing our first contact with an alien race, thereby preventing out spread throughout the starts, thereby making us easier to conquer in the future! It may have demystified the Borg but it also cemented the main character relationships of ‘The Next Generation’ for the years to come. It also happens to be a brilliantly paced, straight-up science-fiction adventure and as such this is the one most reminiscent of the new film. Go here straight after ‘Wrath of Khan’.

Star Trek IX: Insurrection (1998) – Ugh... I only have so many negative comments to give. The same thing would happen if you watched this as part of a marathon – you’d reach this one and feel so entirely apathetic to this throwaway, cookie-cutter entry that you couldn’t even bring yourself to outline the plot. It’s not bad. It’s not good – it’s just a ‘Star Trek’ movie.

Star Trek X: Nemesis (2002) – The single most depressing film I have ever seen. Depressing not for the shitty Picard clone they had for a bad guy or the trying-far-too-hard action scenes. Not even the obligatory end-of-series main character death. No, it was because the TV series had been over for a long time. Even ‘Deep Space Nine’ and ‘Voyager’ were over at this point and we had already been subjected to ‘Enterprise’. ‘Star Trek’ was looking like it was out of steam. Dead, defunct, stagnant. Ignore.

So in short, you only really need to buy two films here – ‘Wrath of Khan’ and ‘First Contact’. There you go – I’ve just got a £125 purchase down to a £30 purchase – you’re welcome. Please send the difference to me or give it all to J.J. Abrams for saving my favourite franchise from obscurity.

The Random Bit at the End!

Dragon Age: Origins review forthcoming henceforth henceworth (this is Séanspeak for "1 year later")!

So much to do, so little time!

2009-11-03T11:16:00.003Z

just a quick update, with so much going on right now with university work and catching up on lectures(god damn ScotRail!), this combined with a part-time job and then trying to read, watch, listen and play every form of media that is being thrown at me this holiday season I just cant find the time to write a review of Uncharted 2 and at this point its a moot point, its great and if you have a ps3 you should own it, however, I will try my best to do a Ratchet and Clank review or even one for Dragon Age(which may take a while, since early review point to minimum game time of 40 + hours) which is looking to be a great title, maybe even worth the money unlike some games Ive played recently, I'm looking at you Brutal Legend!

ESND : True Blood is awesome, already watched Season 1 and half of Season 2!

Also, here is the Prince of Persia:Sands of Time Movie Trailer, and you know what, it actually looks pretty good, spectacular effects at least, but we will see.

so, that's it until at least Sunday when I will hopefully put up something more substantial, until then keep watching the skies and remember, the Force will be with you... sometimes, other times you gotta go it alone.

You Were a Terrible Accident

2009-10-21T13:41:00.005+01:00

You have to feel sorry for this little ole' blog sometimes. Poor 'Acts of Digression' really doesn't know what it is. Is it about television? Is it videogames? Movies? All of those? A personal reflection blog? The fatherless bastard is now almost eight months old and a custody battle is still raging. The little tyke can't help but be confused - he has three different fathers after all.

When we started it, I though it was going to be a general videogame reviews site. That didn't go too well on my end, having reviewed to date - quite literally - a single game (if it can be called that) - the Vin Diesel autobiography The Wheelman. Whether it was the fact that I gave a rather affectionate review of an otherwise forgettable game or the fact that my only next generation console died soon afterwards - that was the last linear review I would ever give.

I justified the assortment of random articles I spewed onto the blog in the following months by telling myself "Hey - it is called Acts of Digressions after all". Well, I'm glad to report that I once again have a working Xbox 360 and am currently ankle deep in the releases I missed. I spent the consoles absence by revisiting my old favourites for what I have promised myself is the last time - Deus Ex, Beyond Good & Evil, Final Fantasy IX, The Wind Waker, Psychonauts, Shadow of the Colossus, Yakuza, Super Mario 64, Descent 2 - a final farewell before my age dictates that I no longer have the opportunity to spend weeks on end playing through game after game.

Oh, that reminds me. I forgot to give you my latest excuse for not posting in weeks. I've got a job - a rather well paying if particularly monotonous and eyeball melting one at that. While the 150 quid a week said job will bring me, it does mean that I have a grand total of ONE day off during the week. Three days at college, three days at work and ONE day to recover and digest the impending mountain of boxsets that will descend upon my house. I will either emerge from this period of my life as a well-adjusted, productive adult or a gibbering sociopath who needs to fill the void in his soul with overly powerful and overpriced laptops. I hope for the latter - it would provide much more interesting blogging opportunities.

Anyway, I seem to have *ahem* Digressed slightly. The point is that I now have a working console and sufficient money to taste a sizable chunk of the gaming goodness that is heading our way in the next few months. Seeing the reviewing prowess that my two colleagues have demonstrated in the last few months, it seems natural that the next few weeks will prove an opportunity to finally try to find a purpose for this blog. We haven't quite worked out the rota, but we will be attempting to cover every major release from today until Christmas (excuse me - Holiday Season)- culminating in the first Annual Acts of Digression Awards Ceremony, where we distribute a series of highly coveted and unheard of awards for various achievements across videogames, movies and television. We'll be holding that sometime in December. Any game that hasn't be released by then is just being stupid.

However, don't fret. This doesn't mean that AOD is going videogame exclusive - there's plenty of blogs out there doing that already (and better). Like I said, Acts of Digression was always meant to be somewhat scatological and unfocused - I hope you like it that way, because we certainly do. So, next up - a comprehensive review of the leading brands of bread currently available for your toasting pleasure - or some such.

The Random Bit at the End!

Sean is Playing: Arkham Asylum and feeling like the guy who showed up late for the party
Monster Hunter Freedom Unite and learning that the Scottish train
system is not like the one in Tokyo

Sean is wanting to Play: Brütal Legend He doesn't really like metal but he loves anything
where the creators passion bleeds through. Any game that can maintain the art style demonstrated in the demo for an entire game is something worth looking into. Plus, he likes hitting things with axes.

Sean is Watching: The horribly pretentious but eventually fantastic Broken Saints boxset
Gormenghast - the last truly great miniseries the BBC ever produced

Sean is Listening to: Seasick Steve The man wrote a love song about his John Deere, what more do you need?

Brütal!!!

2009-10-19T13:43:00.006+01:00

Hmm, methinks Brütal Legend may just be the Fable of Metal Metal Land... A fairly respectable game hampered by a few flaws but still hated relentlessly by those stupid enough to have bought into the usual pre game hype. I think its a Terrible Certainty to say this happens with most games these days, does anyone remember the whole "Two Worlds will be better than Oblivion!" thing? I do.

So instead of droning endlessly about unfair reputations I'll share my own opinion.

I fucking love this game. This is a game I will be retelling all teary eyed and shit to my grandchildren.

"Well, it was back in 09. I was young and heavily into Thrash Metal..."

"Yes we know, Grandpappa... You deafened poor little Jonathan by making him listen to Kreator over and over at full volume."

"Well I caught the little bastard listening to My Chemical Romance. What else was I supposed to do to purge the taint from his innocent ears.
Anyway, the Metal Gods had sent the downtrodden Metal youth an emissary. A beautifully hideous game developer by the name of Tim Schafer.

Born from the firey blood of Ormaggoden and suckled at the warts of Lemmy, he brought salvation. He brought Skeletonwitch's Soul Thrashing Black Sorcery to the ears of the weak, from a Metal Storm he had the frail Face The Slayer.
He taught us to love again."

"Mum!!! Grandpappas having another fit!!! Where are his pills!!!"

"Quiet you fetted little wretch spawn or you shall suffer Jonathan's fate. We were witness to a revolution!!! We saw Doviculus crushed beneath Vans trainers and the Drowning Doom smashed aside with spiky wrist thingies!!! Thrash was about to Arise. Again. I believe the first sign of the Arockalypse was Megadeth releasing an album that wasn't painfully mediocre...
Anyway, I digress.
This spectacular creature amassed disciples culled from the very Gods of Metal. Lemmy Kilmister, Rob Halford, Ozzy...
Jack Black tagged along too. I'm not sure anyone invited him but his presence was indeed welcomed.
They marched from a Crack in the Skye, backed by some of the most glorious Metal ever heard yet there dominion of man and earth was to be halted. For you see, Lord Tim had been afflicted by the Metal Curse. High Expectations..."

At this point nurses will burst in and my grand kids will never get to hear the rest of the tale. But you lucky people will...

The wait for Brütal Legend was mildly painful for me. Not only was it a game that looked like it wasn't about to piss on Metal (looking at you Guitar Hero), it actually looked like it could be an A title. Something that that could stand alongside the Fable and Fallout of last year. This is. I believe, the games downfall. It looked too good to be true.

Now as stated, I think this game despite its flaws is great. It really did capture the spirit of Metal.
Waiting for Legend made me feel like I was discovering heavy music over again.
It reminded me of my Eleven year old self listening to Judas Priests Painkiller over and over again, the one and only metal album I owned, as I rushed down to the front door every morning to see if my next step in metal had arrived. It reminded me of sitting waiting for Iron Maidens Powerslave or Motorheads Bomber to slip through the door.
This time though I was running down to the PC to check Kotaku if the setlist was out or if they'd announced anymore voice actors or trailers. I was getting the same feeling I get when I hear a particulary mental Thrash album when I recognized a song in the trailer, re affirming my beleif this would be the best game ever.

Then the day came, I sat through College pawing at the disc case, reading the manual, discussing metal with classmates. I get home and play it in bliss, an idiotic grin spread across my face. Sweeping Glam Metal Hairbangers away with my axe and calling lightning from my Guitar to demolish Emos.
It wasn't till a couple hours in I realised I was playing the same five levels over and over again.

I didn't care though. Everything else about this game is fantastic. The vistas, the soundtrack, the voice acting, the story... Its all top notch. I haven't laughed at a game so much in ages. This is what saves the game for me.

For example theres a mission soon after you meet up with the Kill Master and his biker buddies where you meet a Headbanger at a beach party. He tells you that all the bikers are stealing the girls. So what do you do? Form a mosh pit and fend of the sex pests while the banger chats up a chick.
It was a fairly simple "keep the enemies out of the circle mission" that would've been boring as hell had it not been for the voice overs. Especially one of Lemmys dudes Judas Priest reference.

"Hey babe. Wanna Ride on my Wind..."

The way the soundtrack is used a sign of excellence in my eyes. Schafer actually found a way to make a Dragonforce song awesome (and this is a band who struggle to play thier own songs live too!) and I won't spoil it but the use of Ozzy Ozzbournes Mr. Crowely is truely inspired. Not to mention the very first metal song I ever heard playing in the background of the last boss fight.

So to sum my insane and incoherent rambling up into an actual opinion, Brütal Legend is a great game if you can understand its not an RTS and can put up with repetitive missions. The character this game oozes is well worth dealing with its problems.

"Cracked" and "Uncharted" "Rocktober", This is "Borderline" Crazy!

2009-10-11T00:10:00.007+01:00

Yes, that is correct, Rocktober is upon us and with it, much goodness, In the next 27 days I will have added 5 new games to my collection(minimum), these include, Brutal Legend, Uncharted 2, Dragon Age, Borderlands and R&C: Crack in Time.

Even after all of these, many more titles will be released leading up to Chrismukkah. We will hopefully provide some interesting views on these, but it is going to be difficult with University, College, Work, Playing the Games and so on, it is for this reason that I will not fully review Risen, I will just say this, don't buy it, don't play it, I love it for some unknown reason, I find it oddly compelling and at times frustrating, and yet I keep going back to it. It has many faults and lacks much needed polish but I could say the same thing about many games, *cough* Mass Effect *cough*, so yeah, I am going to enjoy this for a little while longer, but don't play it, there are so many great looking titles on the horizon that it would be criminal to waste precious coin of the realm on this game, go preorder Brutal Legend or something!

Also... SGU : Air 1 & 2

The series premiere of Stargate Universe was exceptional, It starts strong with a tour through the ancient Ancient ship called Destiny and the opening of the Stargate, Lt Matthew Scott appears through the wormhole and is followed by the rest of the people from Icarus Base including the main cast, the story of how they all got there is played in flashback through the episode which was an interesting way of presenting the situation, which worked well enough. It had a much(must I say this?)... darker tone than the two previous series, however it was in no way lacking of the classic SG humour provided mainly by Eli Wallace, the boy genius who cracks the code of the Ninth Chevron. He is great, David Blue plays this character with great enthusiasm and his lines come across great, I really enjoyed his discovery of the Kino's and the scene in which he begins recording his "last words", very well done. Besides Eli Wallace, my favourite character and in many ways the central character was Dr Nicholas Rush, and in no small way thanks to Robert Carlyle, who is as great as always. I think that the writers really did a good job of making the audience sympathise with him, it is made clear that he has lost his wife or someone close to him and it will be great to see how this loss played into his joining the Icarus Project. There is an ulterior motive to Rush but deep down throughout the episode he really is trying to save the lives of everyone aboard The Destiny. These two were the characters I enjoyed the most, but all of the main cast done a great job and I am eager to see how the characters develop, Lt Scott looks like he is going to have a McKay/Sheppard relationship with Eli, with some funny interactions between the two in the first episode. Col Everett Young is the expedition leader and he seems like he has something of a mysterious past, possibly some kind of illness, he wasn't given as much time to lead as Scott did though as he was unconscious for most of the episode after receiving a nasty bump to the head. Sgt Greer is a pretty cool character, he has aggression issues, and is a bit of a loose cannon, which should be fun. TJ is the ships medic and has to deal with the problems that a real doctor should be faced with making for some interesting situations in the future I'm sure. Chloe is the daughter and assistant of Shooter McGavin who deserves honourable mention for sacrificing his own life to save the rest of the crew, he will be missed, Shooter... we hardly knew ye. But anyway, Chloe is shown to be the other "normal person", along with Eli, both of them are sure to be interacting a great deal while the SG personnel and IOA officer Camille Wray(Ming-Na, not happy with Greer being out of detention, Lesbian, Out of her element) do what they do. All in all, pretty great, and now I am away to watch episode 3 and then on to The OC season 3(what you gonna do about it?)

ESND : George Lucas was in The OC, so it must be awesome!

Time is gone and I'm left with merely a Space Continuum!

2009-10-04T00:20:00.003+01:00

Yeah, I am still here dear readers, but I am back at University now, year 2, fun all around. It is because of this I have been otherwise occupied and I will hopefully have something meaningful to say soon, until that fateful day, I just want to put a massive shoutout to Stargate : Universe, which was very awesome, Robert Carlyle was brilliant as the enigmatic Nicholas Rush and David Blue was a great comedic sidekick as Eli Wallace, the other characters were pretty good, and pretty different from the typical stereotypes found in the previous SG series, even the similar characters have different aspects to them which make the show feel fresh, but in all honesty, its was just great to see that "kawoosh!" again, I am really excited for the series and can see the massive potential it has for some really good story telling, did I also mention that Robert Carlyle was in this?

To Séan and Jamie...

...Go watch it!

ESND - The return of Wonderboy's Trailer of the Moment makes its "Force"-ful return!

- Short Reviews of SGU premiere and RISEN(Xbox360)

Séan's Totally Misleading Trailers of Temerity!

2009-09-25T10:55:00.015+01:00

We have all learned - over decades of toil and disappointment - to allow not even an iota of trust to be given to theatrical movie trailers. The most average and expected breed of misleading trailer usually consists of the best parts of the film itself - whether it be the funniest bits in a comedy or the explodiest bits in an action movie. It can be soul-destroying to pay 10 Simoleans to see the movie in question, only to discover that the trailer was much better than the film itself - as was the case with Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.

Quite. The whole ordeal was most heart-breaking. However, I come with great news - readers! The Misleading Trailer can be a force for Good as well as Evil! This is not another rant about those russin-fussin tricky teaser trailers for mediocre flicks - rather a celebration of those few instances when they have been employed in the assistance of great movies which may be seen as unconventional or unmarketable. For example -

Yeah! It's Jim Carrey! This is sure to be a wacky, fun-filled ride! All that silly Benny Hill-esque music! I'll probably forget about it when the next Hollywood comedy comes out, but hey - it's Jim Carrey! Smokin'! Allrighty then! Oh wait, what is THIS?! This is one of the sharpest and deepest summer movies that has ever come out of Hollywood! How on Earth did the trailer end up like THAT? Well, I guess it's because your average summer movie goer probably wouldn't go and see a film which takes a glaringly clear look at the methods employed by various forms of media (movies included) to sell us a false image of reality in order to scare us into an impossible-to-escape prison of commercialism. That might have something to do with it. So let's say you're going about making such a film, and you have the intention of making it in Hollywood (the place most responsible for the type of bullshit which the film criticises). It might tricky to get a major studio behind this. Here's some suggestions -

1. Get the backing of as big an actor as possible. It helps if this actor is generally typecast as a wacky buffoon.

2. If the studio ever asks to see some of the dailies, send them the bit where Jim Carrey gets followed by rain rather than the bit where Jim Carrey smashes through a fake sky and starts throwing himself against it in an agonised fashion.

3. So you have a wonderfully stirring score by an acclaimed composer.?Wow, that really plays on the heart strings, but you better not use it in the trailer. Use some Randy Newman instead.

Follow these simple rules and bingo - your impossible-to-pitch movie is playing worldwide. It doesn't matter that it wasn't what the people who saw the trailer were expecting - they still went to see it expecting Carrey-limb-flailing and gave the studio millions of dollars! The studio likes this. Congratulations - you have utilised the art of the Misleading Trailer for the betterment of mankind!

My other favourite example of this is the trailer for Danny Boyle's Sunshine - a science fiction fringe-of-space-and-the-human-soul movie which features absolutely no aliens, lasers, angels, demons or Satan whatsoever. I can't find the trailer in question, but the one I'm talking about is the one where the line "There's something on this ship that can help us" when the crew are talking about docking with the Icarus I gets shortened to "There's something on this ship!". Combine that with 'Requiem for a Dream' and every explosion/CGI shot from the film itself and you've got a trailer that makes it look like an Aliens/Event Horizon affair. If the trailer made it look as grand and ponderous as Solaris then it's a fair bet that at least 78% of the people who went to go see it wouldn't have - which would be bad, because it was one of the best fucking films of the last decade.

If a brillaint film makes the horrible mistake of reflecting its true self in the trailer, it can lead to some serious problems. Take Titan A.E., an animated film that could have easily been advertised as a kiddy flick. But no - they had to go and show it for the kick-ass-Whedon-space-epic that it was, leading to some confusion amongst movie goers whether or not they should be taking their kids to see it.

Yeah, this was a fledgling-animation-studio-destroying film, leading to the bankruptcy of Fox Animation Studios after just two films. Did it matter that the film was totally fucking awesome? No, unfortunately. Attempts to make the retail copy more child-friendly didn't work too well either. I have a VHS copy when the film was first released which looks something like this -

Uh-oh. The retail sales aren't looking too good either. What should we do when we release it on DVD? This is the cover of the DVD copy that I got from Amazon a few months ago -

Disgusting.

So - reader - I implore you. You may hate the Misleading Trailer - it may be used for evil. But once in a while, it's there to give a fantastic, unconventional film a fair chance at being as successful as any piece of Hollywood shit.

The Random Bit at the End!

I feel bad for not posting a Sunshine trailer. Here's the best piece from any score from any film by John "Best Composer on Earth Right Now" Murphy.

My Corporeal Tamagotchi

2009-09-15T13:27:00.029+01:00

There are certain activities which we gamers will claim mastery of through the carrying out of said task in a digital environment - landing a snake-infested 747; taking out a building full out of terrorists with a sniper rifle, driving, bank robbery, intercourse, mech piloting - you name it, we've done it! For many years now, I have pursued the purchase and guardianship of a particular breed of dæmon known as Canis lupus familiaris - or the common Earth-dog to those of you who don't pass off Wikipedia as their own latin knowledge. Of course, countless peers and relatives were quick to point out the particular perils involved in capturing and domesticating one of these mythic beasts - they suggested a manticore would be better suited to my environment.

Naturally, I laughed away their pitiful attempts to dissuade me. I had many years of dog training under my belt - I know that if given the chance to alter the temporal structure of your world in one of three ways that you should always choose the option which resurrects your beloved pooch who had been brutally murdered by Lord Lucien minutes earlier. I have also learned enough to know that a friendly Super Mutant armed with a laser cannon - while acting as an efficient deterrent to would-be raiders - is woefully inadequate in the finding of alien blaster ammo. A dog makes a much more financially worthwhile companion while scouring the radioactive wastelands of Washington DC. Oh, and my Tamagotchi (Caramel) lived to the age of 86 - motherfuckers!

So - when an eight month old Border Collie recently arrived at my door, I expected him to respond to my every whim and fancy. Unfortunately, he had already been bestowed a moniker which just stank of Scotland - 'Dougie' (pronounced Doogie in its native Scotch). Stolen of a chance to name my familiar with a traditional geek reference, I had to apply one retroactively. From this point on, if anybody asks about his name - I named him after either Doug "Earthworm Jim" TenNapel or Douglas "Hitchhikers" Adams.

I adorned my Master's Fez and proceeded to bark the audible representations of my divine will in Doug's general direction. He stared at me blankly. Rather than wait for me at Vault 101 or find buried treasure - he seemed only interested in catching a red rubber ring. This he excels at. As he gained the sufficient XP needed to level up from the food and water I majestically bestowed upon him - I attempted to add other actions to his available Ability Slots. Once again - he refused to cast Firaga at the passing cats and proceeded to drop the red rubber ring at my feet.

At least he seems to have mastery of two different modes. Mode A involves bringing thrown items back to me, lying down everywhere but his bed and not running away whenever I let him off his lead. Mode B - which I have dubbed his Attack Phase - involves rolling on his back eating the air, running around in circles and trying to bite my elbow whenever I go near him. Other than the opportunities these Drive Forms offer, my role as Guardian Force to Doug seems to have gained me membership of a bizarre, underground secret society - those who call themselves... *raises cape to obscure lower half of face*... THE DOG WALKERS!

This group - who have yet to express any desire for world domination - stalk the streets of our cities while the rest of us are sound asleep in our homes. While we have never met each other, the creature at the end of our leads indicates that we can trust each other with joviality and small-talk. We are a strange bunch, and while you may laugh at us while we ferry the excrement of another species to the red, bin-like obelisks scattered throughout this land - rest assured that our time will soon come. Your dominion is reaching its end.

Yes, my attempts to tame this wild beast of yore have so far proven fruitless, but this has not stopped me from allocating a large number of Heart Containers to him. He may think he has gotten away with his refusal to master the Taint Magic I wish him to learn, but I will prevail. He proves a cunning adversary - displaying a level of wit and malevolence even I may not be able to defeat. He has already assassinated the Allergic Plane of my Eyeballs and judging by the uncontrollable twitches from deep within the Unexplored Chasms of my Nasal Cavity - my sinuses are next on his Hit List. He takes advantage of my flabby and unphotogenic being by insisting that he could chase this damn Frisbee the whole damn way up this beach. While I awake in muscular agony ten hours later, he is still as hyperactive as he was before the one hour fetch session. Once he has conquered me, the rest of you shall be next.

The Random Bit at the End!

Yes, I just blogged about my dog - an act which I shall name "Dogging". I justify my actions by pointing out the huge number of videogame references I employed in doing so. What? The suicide of my Xbox 360 still means I am without a current generation games console - would you prefer it if I did retrospective reviews of the PS2 games I'm currently playing? Of course not. It's dogs or nothing.

Round 4 - We Can Only Get So Much Humour Out of This!

2009-09-06T23:48:00.019+01:00

Quick question to our readers? How long are you willing to put up with a single argument before you abandon this site forever? That little, huh? Yikes...

1. You raise a fair point when you point out my self-fallacy, and according to the content of the '2009 Agreement for the Abolishment of Bias' I am punishable by haddock-slaps, castration and drop-kicking. Equally, there are films that exist solely to illustrate a puppet studio's ability to construct hundreds of creatures i.e. The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth. Keep in mind though, when I claimed that CGI is more difficult to implement I was referring to your earlier statement that you could create a better puppet than a CGI Transformer. While this is certainly true of your Average Joe, in the context of Hollywood film studios with armies of animators and programmers - CGI is a pretty easy deal. In this context - I maintain that it is much more cost effective and easy to implement CGI over traditional special effects.

2. It is not insulting to observe that the actors in Revenge of the Sith failed to react to the CGI Yoda, as an accurate observation is entirely neutral. What I implied is a fact.

3. I do apologise for my lack of knowledge of the sets of the Star Wars prequel trilogy. It is now apparent that rather than containing soulless CGI backdrops as I had previously believed, it was actually the case that the sets in the prequels were severely inferior to those of the original film.

4. I maintain that there isn't as great a need for precise camera-work to incorporate CGI into a movie as there is for traditional special effects - save for the few exceptions which feature the continual presence of a large, complex CGI character which demands mathematically perfect placement of actors and CGI placeholders i.e. Transformers 2, Lord of the Rings, King Kong etc. When I argued my original point, I referred mainly to films in which the majority of the special effects scenes are so CGI intensive they may as well have locked the camera in a cupboard with some wild wolves and constructed the entire thing on a computer i.e. that bit in Revenge of the Sith when the Clone Troopers invade Utapau.

5. I wish to point out that my preference for traditional special effects over CGI has not stopped me from being ridiculously impressed by the various uses of the medium since its inception.

6. If I was a 'Daily Mail' writer I would have immediately repaired that undetected spelling error and continue to blame the short-comings of Indiana Jones & The Crystal Skull on immigrants. I've only done one of those things, so I am - at best - a 'Sun' writer.

RE: Your Reveal of My Stupidity in Attending a College Induction A Day early -

*Cringes* Ho no you di'int!

Also, how dare you call me low-brow - I haven't used the word 'penis' once today.

The Random Bit at the End!

Well, that was stimulating. As well as your 5-a-day, I think the government should encourage us to exchange insults and witticisms at least three times a day. In case you're wondering the outcome of that argument... err - there isn't one. It's apparent that both sides seem to have taken significant and meaty chunks out of the opponents defences, and the labyrinth of analytical turn-about-faces and quotation retorts seems to have took a slight detour from the main topic. Well, until next time folks!

Next Week - Which was the best X-men movie? Actually no, someone would get seriously injured - I suspect it would be me. Strength in numbers and all that.